An Open Letter to Universal

Dear Universal Studios, Inc.,

I’ve recently heard that you’re planning to open a Universal park in Beijing in 2019, and that an expansion to Islands of Adventure’s Jurassic Park section may be in the works. If both of these are true (especially the latter), I and lots of other Jurassic Park fans are extremely excited and would like to thank you for giving us new locations and/or rides to enjoy.

Since no details have been released regarding what the Jurassic section of the Beijing park will be like (if there will be one) or the nature of the possible Orlando expansion, I assume that both are at least somewhat still in development. Therefore, I would like to offer a few suggestions, which can be used for either park.

– A water section for children to play in, where they can be sneezed on by a brachiosaur (like the first movie) and licked by a giant tyrannosaur tongue (as per the first novel).

– Actors in Ellie Sattler, Alan Grant and Ian Malcolm (as well as other characters) costumes. They would remain in character as long as they were in public, pose for photos and give autographs. “Alan” would traumatize every child he met, and “Ian” would hit on absolutely everyone over 18.

– A ‘Lost World’- themed playground featuring two high hides. Kids would climb up the ladders and all around the metal structure, like a jungle gym. The first would be modeled after the Lost World novel and would let children experience the thrill of avoiding robotic raptors, which would jump up and attempt to reach them (this would, of course, have most of the necessary safety features) as actors pretended to be dragged out of the hide and eaten. The second would be more like the Lost World movie, and it would be geared more at smaller or more easily-scared kids; visitors’ parents would help them climb up as needed, and then leave them for an unspecified amount of time with a strange, pudgy staff member while recorded dinosaur roars played in the distance.

– An ice cream cart selling ginger ice cream (visitors will recognize the flavor from the Jurassic Park novel). Visitors would pay for their ice cream outside and then move indoors, where an old man would cheerfully and repeatedly assure them that the theme park is safe, while simultaneously telling them that there’s no money in helping mankind.

– A walk-through experience called Jurassic Park Jungle Trek. Visitors could choose from three paths: a short but fast-paced dash to a shed; a much longer walk with a large group of actors, none of whom would notice if a member of the group disappeared and didn’t come back); or a moderate-length stroll through a thick jungle, accompanied by four actors, two of whom would loudly and irritatingly scream, “ERIC!” at the top of their lungs over and over throughout the experience.

– A small stage, which could be used by actors to perform entertaining shows like “Jurassic Park: The Musical” (I suggest Matthew Patrick Davis’ version) and “Henry Wu’s Super-Amazing Genetics Lecture Show” at scheduled times throughout the day.

– A ride wherein passengers sit in the back of a Jeep while two men sit in front of them, drinking a lot and awkwardly attempting to make small talk.

– A restaurant specializing in beef and steak. Customers would choose which cow they wanted from a pen and watch it being lowered into the kitchen to be prepared. During their meal, angry mathematicians would sit at customers’ tables and rant at them about ethics.

– A gift shop selling fun souvenirs like severed arms, Barbasol cans, “Dilophosaur Spit with Extra Acid” and velociraptor skulls/calls.

I hope that you will consider my suggestions.

Best,

Raptor Dash

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