WE’VE GOT A FULL-LENGTH TRAILER!

Before I begin an analysis of the new Jurassic World trailer, I’d like to share a few of my feelings.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHH

YOU GUYS YOU GUYS YOU GUYS! THE MOSA WAS SO BIG!!! IT WAS sO BIG!!!!11!!!!

*sound your dog makes when you come home from a week-long vacation*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

*teenage-girl-at-a-One-Direction-concert noises*

*deep breath* Okay. We got the full-length Jurassic World trailer today! Scream with me!

Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFinNxS5KN4 Watch it so my analysis is a supplement to the trailer rather than a full information source. If you can’t get YouTube for some reason (presumably because you either live in Antarctica or go to my school), it’s currently streaming on Hulu as well.

We begin with Gray, a young boy played by Ty Simpkins, heading off to Jurassic World. His brother looks exactly like the kid from the beginning of Walking with Dinosaurs and his mom has no qualms whatsoever about sending her admittedly-adorable son to Murder-Lizard Island. Okay, whatever, family drama, we get it. Let’s get to the freakin’ dinosaurs.

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Aww. He’ll probably be one of the only people in the whole movie that doesn’t end up as a bloody pulp. What a widdle sweetie.

Then we see… you know what, this could take me all night. Go watch the trailer if you haven’t already. Here’s my analysis.

“If something chases you, run” is not something you want to say to a little kid about to go to a terrifying island. Get your parenting together, lady who I assume is Judy Greer. Seriously, I hate Gray’s brother’s Bieber cut. Get your hair together, Stereotypical Teenage Boy.

And then… wow. I had doubts about this movie’s ability to inspire a sense of wonder, but the shot of the gates opening banished my doubts, despite the ehh-level CGI.

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Lots and lots of people are complaining about the CGI in the trailer. I admit, it is kind of shoddy. It’s not Jurassic Park caliber. However, I will worry about the CGI tomorrow; today, I’m just glad we’ve finally gotten the trailer.

They weren’t kidding when they said Jurassic World was popular. There are swarms of people coming into this park. This makes the whole D. rex concept seem a little less plausible. What, huge crowds of people being packed shoulder-to-shoulder to get into the park wasn’t enough for these scientists? That street full of visitors looks like it’s about to burst. What was the place like before people lost interest?

Then we see one of many throwbacks in the trailer.

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A lot of fans, including me, were hoping for parts of Crichton’s novels that hadn’t been put into the previous films to be used here. This shot of a jungle-river ride is one of two noticeable novel leftovers. And it’s just beautiful, isn’t it? Look how pretty and peaceful the scenery and dinosaurs are– it reminds me of the scene in the first movie with the lake full of herbivores in the distance. I realize that there are stegos right next to the lake, where anyone could touch and/or get spiked by them–

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What did we learn from this movie, kids?

— but I still like it, if only for the aesthetics and the sense of awe that we didn’t get in the last two movies.

Now that I look at the brachiosaur from that shot, I can see the full extent of its CGI (the pod-thing is called a gyrosphere, by the way):

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… yep, that’s some SyFy CGI all right. (That awful brachiosaur from the first movie must be a grandmother now. I’m so happy for her.) But I said I wouldn’t complain about that today. I intend, though, to rant about it tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Right after that shot is when everything gets real. Because the moment I’ve been waiting for for months, the thing I wanted to see the most besides the D. rex, is finally here. BEHOLD THE MIGHTY MOSASAUR!

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DEVOURER OF SHARKS AND SOULS!

Look at her! She’s huge! That shark’s just a Scooby Snack to her! EAT IT, JAWS. That, unfortunately, is the last we see of the epic slaughter-beast of the sea, but she’ll make an appearance later in the movie, I know she will. You go, Mosasaur, I believe in you.

Next is when the D. rex business starts. We see Bryce Dallas Howard’s character Claire (who my mother likens to Emma from Pangaea; I did the character first, people, you heard it here) talking about how they’ve created a mutant dinosaur. There are shots of egg hatcheries (give us baby raptors or we riot) and a disembodied spine in a tank with wires attached to it. All right, that’s a little unsettling.

After that is the first we see of Chris Pratt’s character Owen. He delivers the line, “You just went and made a whole new dinosaur? Probably not a good idea.” This is followed by him inspecting scratches that were certainly made by the D. rex and saying that how it escaped “depends on what kind of dinosaur they cooked up in that lab.”

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First of all, if a dinosaur could escape its habitat in this park by climbing up the walls with its claws, maybe this movie is gleefully insane after all, because that either sounds like an awesome D. rex superpower or the dumbest deus ex machina I’ve ever heard. Second, Pratt has said in the past that his character was a cross between Malcolm and Grant, and I see that now, along with a pinch of Muldoon. He might not be too original, but hey, we loved those three characters. If they’ve got a winning formula, why not use it?

Next is a series of shots showing Owen inspecting a destroyed gyrosphere, which has a D. rex tooth embedded in it, and telling Claire to “evacuate the island”. Good luck with that, buddy. I’m sure you’ll totally be able to do that. Totally. Things like that always work out so well in this trilogy. Owen then says of the D. rex, “She’s a highly intelligent animal. She’ll kill anything that moves.”

Our focus is taken off of that awesome line by Claire with her suit messed up:

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Hear that? That’s the sound of me being the first person to cosplay her.

Followed by a shot of the two kids falling down a waterfall, into the water and seemingly just past the jaws of the D. rex. This is another scene from the first novel that wasn’t used in any other movie; I have wanted to see the waterfall scene from that book for so, so, so long, and even though the shot is too dark to see very much, I’m still excited to see it.

AND THEN THERE’S A D. REX CHASE!

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Is she trying to eat one of the movie’s obligatory kids? Is that the older brother with the Bieber cut running from her? All right, D. rex, you’re not so bad.

This is followed by a two-in-one throwback to the first movie– Claire, now only in her undershirt in a homage to Ellie Sattler, holds a flare. Then we see everyone finally realizing that this dinosaur park might, in fact, be dangerous.

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I could say “well, duh” here, but really, there’s no challenge in it anymore.

Then Claire, still in her undershirt, screams “Run!”. Darn it, people, is she really gonna be a walking Ellie Sattler tribute? At least they knew what fans wanted. The nostalgia is strong here. I guess they’re throwing in things like that to basically tell us that they’re huge fans of the franchise themselves and that the movie is in good hands, and/ or to get us to associate this movie with the quality and appreciation we associate with the first. I’ll give you this one, trailer people. Don’t screw this up.

And then, oh look, another throwback. This time it’s to the tent scene in The Lost World; Gray appears to be in a tent, and the shadow of a large, growling animal falls over his face. The logo shows and the original music plays, and then HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS, IT’S RAPTOR TIME!

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Owen rides like a warrior into battle with raptors running alongside him. If you had any doubts about what trained raptors would be like, stare at this gif for a little while:

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Look at that one lunge forward! It might turn out that trained raptors are, indeed, a bad concept, but for now, I’m okay with the way this looks. They’re still hunting, they’re just doing it alongside humans this time. My doubts are put to rest for now, but once we see more trailers, that could change.

All right, well, that’s pretty much it for this trailer. I personally WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD THE **** PHONE. HOLD ON JUST A **** MINUTE. I just noticed this. Watch this gif again, and this time, focus on the very beginning of it. Look to the far left, at the guy in black standing to the side.

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Could… could it be? Do I dare to believe? Is that a Malcolm cameo by a different actor? (This both angers and elates me; I want more Malcolm, but I want Goldblum to play him. They supposedly couldn’t get Jeff for this movie, though, and that guy doesn’t look much like him.) That guy looks exactly like Malcolm did at the end of Lost World; the shorter hair, the shirt, the stubble, they’re all there. What the heck would he be doing around that airport anyway? Does he just… hang around the terminal and warn passengers to the island about what they’re headed to? Or is that just a cruel prank being pulled on me by the fates, and is that just a random extra who managed to show up in an inadvertent cosplay the day of filming? You know what, it doesn’t matter, because

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That about does it for today. I’ll post more about the trailer tomorrow, I’ll get more in-depth and I promise I will not freak out about perfect mathematicians anymore (in that particular post).

Thanks to tumblr users rebecca-sutter, starkked, iamnevertheone and bendeet for the gifs.

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