Allow me to preface this by saying that I am on Benadryl right now and that not everything I type here will necessarily make sense.
All right then! Let’s look at Jurassicworld.com. The first thing you see when you enter is the trailer, and once that’s over… hoo boy. There’s a lot to look at! There are widgets on the side showing the park’s capacity, current temperature, safety policy and whether it’s open or closed. The background shows images and gifs of the park, photos like children playing and gifs like the Gallimimus shot from the trailer. There are also links to more park info. First of all, there’s a park map– this site runs like a real theme park website. You can see where every attraction and facility is located, and there are little tools to show where the monorail and ferry are at the time. Just as we’ve speculated, the north of the island appears to be blocked off. The park is very futuristic and has interesting architecture, and it’s laid out in a circle, around a giant lagoon.
I WONDER WHICH PARK THEY GOT THAT IDEA FROM?!
Next is a page showing the park’s safety policy, which emphasizes feeding baby dinosaurs correctly and not touching fences, because baby dinosaurs and fences are definitely the biggest dangers here. Then there’s an out-of-character ‘The Movie’ page, which shows movie stills and plays the trailer again.
Next up is an ‘Our Founder’ page, which talks about John Hammond and his mission. It quotes him, talking about how he wanted to create “living biological attractions so astounding they’ve captured the imagination of the entire planet”. Then they show photos of his statue, which has an amber cane and stands outside the Hammond Creation Lab, looking toward the future. I… I need a minute.
There’s a link to the Masrani website, but we’ve all read that, or at least secondhand read it through your favorite dinosaur blogger. There’s a ‘Dinosaurs’ widget, which shows you information about the different animals in the park. Which brings me to my favorite part of the entire site. I quote:
Did you know? Triceratops love getting scratched behind their shield-like frills.
You guys have no idea how happy that makes me. There are pictures of what each animal looks like in the movie under their tab; they all look like top-of-the-line (albeit featherless) paleontological reconstructions. Take a look at ’em:
The rest of the dinosaurs’ bios haven’t been added yet, but here are their names: Ankylosaurus, Baryonyx, Dimorphodon, Edmontosaurus, Gallimimus, Meriacanthosaurus, Microceratus, Mosasaurus, Pachycephalosaurus, Parasaurolophus, Pteranodon (which is not a dinosaur, people) Stegosaurus and Suchomimus. I’m particularly pumped about Meriacanthosaurus and Baryonyx (far be it from me to make film decisions, but why do you need a D. rex when you have something like Baryonyx running around?), but I would also like a tiny, cute Microceratus. Perhaps they’ll include one in a future dinosaur-hugging exhibit.
Next is a link to something called a ‘Raptor Pass’, which one can sign up for to get exclusive, early access to content. I signed up for it, but now all I see are trailer stills and ‘locked’ symbols, and I have not been emailed yet. I have also been snail-mailed or emailed exactly zero raptors, and frankly, I want my money back. It was free, but I still want money back.
This is where the available widgets end. There are also links to ‘Plan Your Visit’, ‘Park Cam’ and ‘Tickets’, but they don’t work yet. The site is obviously going to be built on over the next few months. I can’t wait to see the park cam! It just had better not be a bunch of gif loops that are like, “Watch children playing in the Gentle Giants Petting Zoo!” accompanied by a six-second gif of a triceratops.
By scrolling down or clicking the ‘News Feed’ button, you can see even more stuff. There’s an ad for the Winston Steakhouse, and yes, I can personally confirm that the first item on the menu is in fact Chilean Sea Bass. They really do love us. There are also ads for the Margaritaville there–
— and IMAX Theater, which is supposed to be twice as loud as a T. rex. The photo contains a man walking by in John Hammond cosplay. I do not know if this is intentional.
There’s more than one ad for the Hilton Isla Nublar Resort; there’s even a video, which you can watch if you’re into that kind of thing. Apparently the Hammond Suite there (*sniff*) has been visited by “heads of state, Oscar winners, honeymooning royalty and Simon Masrani himself!” There’s also an ad for the park’s boardwalk– come to a park full of living, breathing dinosaurs and spend your time there playing arcade crane games! There are also some images of park staff, children playing and having fun (not for long, kids, not for long) and dinosaur bones. There’s quite a few Spinosaur skeleton pictures featured on the site. I assume this means that the skeleton in front of the Visitor’s Center will come alive and terrorize the park.
That’s everything, unless you want to look at the park’s Facebook, Instagram and Twitter pages. Don’t be fooled by the Instagram page– you’ve seen everything on it a million times already. Well, I’ve got a con to go to tomorrow. Go look at the website, and if I’ve missed anything, let me know in the comments!
Wait, hold on. I have one big problem with this website. There’s one enormous, important question that they forgot to answer: Is there a coupon day?