Yeah, I said I wasn’t blogging today, but free time is for the weak so here we are. In typical fashion, the minds behind Jurassic World have dumped a ton of new content on us, hours before the new TV spot drops, no less.There is an actual ton of it and I have limited time, so I can’t promise I’ll thoroughly cover it all tonight, but I’ll try my best.
Everybody, the PARK CAMS are here, and they have… um…
Well, they have a lot of things, but they don’t have any dinosaurs. Seriously, this is what you get when you watch the T. Rex Paddock:
And here’s the Gentle Giants Enclosure:
However, that isn’t to say they aren’t worth watching. There are some really intriguing video feeds that you can watch. My favorites are the Creation Lab, which looks exactly like you’d expect a Jurassic World lab to look:
And the Hatchery, which is very unfortunately devoid of the babies I so need:
There are also the less interesting but slightly hilarious ones. For instance, someone just felt like it was really, really necessary for us all to sit down and watch the goings-on at Maintenance Alley 6:
And the line for the Gyrosphere:
Here’s the full list of attractions you can watch: Maintenance Alley 6, Employee Break Room, Isla Nublar Ferry, Gyrosphere Line, Isla Nublar Hilton Lobby, Creation Lab, Winston Steakhouse (I just got the Stan Winston reference! I just got it! How did I miss that for so long?!), Innovation Center, T. Rex Paddock, Gentle Giants Enclosure, Main Street– Spinosaurus (it’s just the skeleton, hold yer britches), Main Street– Innovation Center and Hatchery.
Next we have the Creation Lab page. It details (well, not really details, but explains at about the same intelligence level that the first movie did) how the dinosaur creation process goes. And oh boy, guess who’s back! Our ol’ buddy:
And guess who else is back? Our other old buddy, Outdated Science!
Well, what are you gonna do, it’s in-universe continuity.
Jurassic World is a whimsical place where scientific charts look like they come from an aesthetic Tumblr:
Even after all these years, Mr. DNA is still a big ham:
And finally, this kills me in several different ways:
There’s a Tickets widget where you can see the different packages available to visitors. This includes the Adrenaline Package, the John Hammond Package and the Apex Predator Package for the park’s “most elite guests”. There’s also this:
Next is the Plan Your Visit widget. It’s so content-packed that I can really only hit the highlights. Let’s see the Play tab, about the attractions, first.
Oh boy, an aquatic park! I bet Mosasaur really likes that big dinner tray the park designers made her. I’m waiting with bated breath for I. rex to slash the line and eat the gondolas like the Grinch gathering Christmas wreaths, and does this aviary thing mean there’ll be a novel-like aviary scene to go with the waterfall scene? I really hope so.
Never mind, the underwater observatory is where Mosasaur is having din-din. My mistake.
Guys, let me share something with you. It’s not so easy to make me laugh hard. Very, very rarely does anything at all make me actually screech in laughter. The blurb under ‘Origin Nightclub”, however, accomplished that and more:
Next, let’s see the Travel tab, which you can guess the subject of.
Actually, other than some ferry pictures and a gorgeous beach photo:
that’s it for that part. The Shop tab might be giving us a look at merchandise:
…Well. We knew we were getting plushies, and I suppose they could be worse– again, those might just be stand-ins and not actual JW toys– but they aren’t lookin’ too good. I’d still go broke in that store, though. The trikes on the right are cute.
GET IT, PEOPLE? THEY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT. THEY MAKE BACK MASSAGERS WITH ANIMAL HORNS BECAUSE THEY CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT SO VERY MUCH. Also, it was a Panama hat. Get your facts straight, amateurs.
Uh, no one at all thought there was an actual trike inside that plushie. What exactly is being insinuated here?
The ‘Discover’ tab:
I call it the rape of the natural world.
So what is he, the resident Richard Burke? The guy who actually knows about dinosaurs and tries to make the people who want to make money off of the dinosaurs do as little damage as possible? Actually, okay. This movie might really need a character like that. Carry on. (I mean, unless this is just the website designer.)
See, it’s things like this that weaken the resolve of people who usually would know better and make them more likely to go to a park like this, if it ever actually exists. Like me, for instance.
The Eat tab isn’t particularly interesting. They push Margaritaville some more:
And there’s a dinosaur-to-human food consumption comparison chart:
Finally, there’s the ‘Stay’ tab, about the hotels on the island. True story, the Hilton looks exactly like a convention center I go to cons at:
Also, the only place on the island where everyone staying there, according to the rules of these movies, is guaranteed to survive any attacks:
All right, that’s the majority of the new stuff and it’s all I can cover today. I’ll cover the rest tomorrow, as well as the NEW TRAILER, WOOHOO!