Simon Masrani: A Profile

Well, would ya look at that, I missed something else. There’s another Masrani video on the website. I don’t know how I manage to miss this stuff, but I’m covering it now. Today I would like to share with you a few things about Simon Masrani that we can learn from his video.


Simon Masrani is a leader and an innovator. He’s extremely adept at looking simultaneously concerned and like he’s bored to tears by what you’re saying.


In the proud Jurassic Park tradition, Simon likes to strike killer poses and look contemplative, while no one is watching and for no apparent reason.


Quick interlude: Claire, in her infinite tyranny and insistence on micromanagement, has forced her employees to copy her haircut. Also, a person can have a box of DNA. Just a box filled with DNA lying around.


Masrani is very, very proud of his quotes, especially the ones that sound like they were lifted from Dumbledore and/or Michael Crichton. I imagine he likes to go around and inspire his employees with profound words of wisdom, following his words with, “That’s a quote, you know.” And when they ask him with wide eyes, “Wow, Mr. Masrani, who said that?” he looks at them kind of sternly and says, “Me. That little kid in the story who grew up to believe in his dreams was me.


Masrani is a philanthropist and likes to go around the world and help people in developing countries. He really likes to wear purple and crap, I think he might be kinda attractive.


Masrani does exactly what everyone says they’d do if they were rich: he has a private helicopter and drives it like he’s in the Matrix. You can almost hear him shrieking and clapping with delight as he basically crashes the thing on its helipad.


After these excursions, he likes to disembark with the look of a man who owns this island and can do whatever the $*&# he wants.


Mr. Masrani has a laugh that’s either endearing or terrifyingly evil. Which is it? That depends on how much he’s paying you.

I’ve been sarcastic this whole time, but if these are actually Masrani’s character traits, I’m thrilled. If he’s a rich playboy who flies helicopters like a maniac, is full of himself and likes to prance around in designer suits because he can’t help being fabulous, I am positively floored because, not only will we have a human villain to hate instead of focusing on how EVIIIIL the I. rex is, he won’t be a Hammond expy like I feared. He’ll be a unique character– an insufferable character, but a unique one.

Speaking of Hammond, I noticed something that I don’t think anyone else has. Masrani might not be a Hammond expy, but his character pays tribute to Hammond in more subtle ways than I’d thought. Remember how Hammond was iconic for his amber cane and how he’s always shown with it? Well, take a look:


See it? He’s always wearing an amber ring.


Watch the video, he’s wearing it in every single shot. Ba-boom.

Someone else dug up an interesting little tidbit on the Jurassic World website. Remember that fan theory about the rex being the one from the first movie because of the scars on her neck? Well:


She’s been living on Isla Nublar for over twenty-five years. Rexy confirmed! Aww yeah! Go Rex!


Goat feedings, we’ve got goat feedings! This may solve the Mystery of the Leaked Goat Video, though it doesn’t quite explain why the goat in the video was tethered in the middle of the jungle. Maybe they’re using it to lure the I. rex? I can’t imagine why I. rex would abandon a human buffet for a puny little goat, but whatever floats Owen’s boat, I guess.

Finally, official T-shirts are on sale!

“Buy them. Buy them. You cannot know what I have seen with these cursed eyes. Buy our shirts. Buy them.”

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