A Mixed Bag of Toys

Even more merchandise from the Toy Fair has surfaced, and some of it is truly wonderful. Some of it– well, hold on to your butts. (Hey, I’ve run this blog for like 4 months without making that joke until now. Don’t look at me like that.)

First we have more plastic toys.

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“MAMA, I CAN DO A BACKFLIP.”

You know, I want to feel repulsed, but really I just pity this animal. Look at its useless little legs. Look at its bony skeleton wings and hands. Look at its Freddy Fazbear eyes and the teeth that must have been glued on. Part of me wants to hug it and part of me just–

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Moving on:

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I think we’ve seen this before, but I’m posting it again because you’re going to need it in a little while. Burn this image into your mind. Savor it. Let it give you strength and fortify you for what’s to come.

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Oh, it’s you again. Actually, it isn’t that bad this time. Maybe I’m being fooled by a change in lighting, but I actually kinda like this. The head and feet look better, at least.

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The crappy genetic mistake no one wants has the best coloration and mold in the whole lineup. Raise your hand if you’re surprised.

UPDATE: Lighting is everything:

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Still not perfect, but not quite as horrible as I’d thought. I’m buying one no matter what, but this way I’ll have less obligatory complaining to do.

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Echo don’t get no respect. Is she orange or yellow or what?

That’s it for these types of toys; thankfully, we have more to look forward to.

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T-shirts! I love the upper ones and I’m looking forward to randomly hugging any child wearing the lower ones. You know, in a nice way.

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They don’t look too bad in real life, I guess. Especially the Blue puppet. I plan to buy at least one. I have plans for them, absolutely terrifying my dogs being the least of my ideas.

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Ideas for properties in this game: restaurant in a seaside town that in real life is nowhere near the ocean; Malcolm’s filthy apartment; that sketchy bar from JP3; underground bunker where nobody really does anything but yell “GRANT!” into a phone.

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The good: adorable babies. adorable babies. adorable babies. Need I repeat myself? The bad: that Mosasaur plushie looks like it came from a kids’ meal at Sonic and I’m fairly sure I’ve seen that baby pterodactyl somewhere else, in a Fisher-Price line or something. Nevertheless, I will buy all of these. All. of. these.

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Finally, some Brawlasaurs I can live with. MOSASAUR IS THE SUPREME QUEEN OF ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS. HER JAWS ARE THE SCISSORS AND SOULS ARE THE PAPER. Also, more Dilophosaur! Can we vote to kick Stegoceratops to the curb and put all the money used on it into more Dilo products? Is this a democratic thing?

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Yeah, uh, you enjoy that.

Lastly, we have a look at more Hero Mashers toys. Remember how I was so angry at the last ones for being unspeakably hideous? I spoke too soon.

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So you’re going to merge the T. rex with the Spinosaur. That’s… that’s great, Anthony. Real great. It’s real good that you done that.

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I have a little problem with this, particularly the stegosaur head. Age 4-11 is a little early to show kids what quiet acceptance of death looks like, wouldn’t you think?

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…Is that a drumstick grafted to its arm?

We were wrong to think we could play God.

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“QWRFSQR QRYGRYP CTHULHU CRW’QPR!”

If you’ll avert your eyes from the rest of this chimera, you’ll notice that the I. rex head isn’t actually half-bad.

So that’s it for now. Hopefully someone lucky (or unlucky, considering that little patchwork of madness up there) to be at the Toy Fair will get more pictures for us. If you have a masochistic streak, here’s the source and more Hero Mashers photos: http://jurassiraptor.tumblr.com/post/111049967172/mix-and-match-dinosaur-parts-to-create-your-own

God help us all.

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