Search Term Safari

Still nothing is happening on the Jurassic World front, so I’m getting creative. Do you see what you’ve made me do, Jurassic World people? You’ve made me write original content. Ugh, I’m running a writing blog, not writing things.

I’ve seen some other blogs do this, with varying results. Today I’m going through the collected list of search terms that lead people to my blog, and I’ll answer what they ask and/or respond to them. If you happen to see something that you typed in a search bar once and that led you to this site, please understand that I value your readership and I’m really not intending to mock you here. Still, feel free to call me out if you feel like that’s the case. OK? OK.

jurassic world toys

The most popular search term that leads people here by far. To be fair, I do post toys a lot, but that’s because I’m a mindless consumer and a plastic dinosaur addict. Hey, we all have our flaws.

velociraptor toys jurassic world charlie

12 people have searched for this; I’m really glad they did, and I sincerely hope they were all referred to this:

images4
Art, I tell you.

jurassic world leaked trailer

jurassic world leaked footage

jurassic world leaked t rex

jurassic world leaked trailer 2

d rex leaked

jurassic world d-rex leaked

I seem to be gaining a reputation as one of the few Jurassic Park sites that posts leaks on a regular basis. Ain’t I a stinker?

raptordash wordpress

*blushing* Aww…

jurassic world kids paper plate

1/15/15– never forget.

jurassic world dinosaur

I would imagine that there are quite a few of those there, yes.

the two girls off the jurassic world website with the gentle giants petting zoo

I couldn’t find a photo with two girls, but I did get this:

Pettingzoo

But I can understand why this would be searched for. That little girl is very adorable. The human girl is pretty cute, too.

apparently cracked doesn’t know what a mosasaur is.

apparently cracked doesn’t know what a mosasaurus is.

Indeed they don’t.

jurassic world dilo kills man in woods

I hope so, too!

jurassic world spinosaurus

NO! DON’T SAY IT! DON’T BRING IT INTO OUR DIMENSION!

a lot of mosasaur movie drama

You didn’t hear this from me, but Mosasaur did cause a fair amount of drama during the making of Jurassic World. Apparently she demanded her own spinoff trilogy as part of her contract, and her personal assistant said she couldn’t get to sleep at night without the sounds of at least 58 separate human screams.

in the novel jurassic park is it true that the characters believe that malcolm died

Well, it’s really kind of implied more than anything and he’s retconned back to life in the sequel. Still, though, he does have a very sad “death scene”. He basically hallucinates and talks about how beautiful the ‘other side’ is. It’s a real tearjerker. He does, however, monologue about paradigm shifts when he’s completely delirious and high on morphine because of course he does.

real t.rex vs pachycephalosaurus

I think you can guess who’d win this particular fight.

chris pratt jurassic world raptor sarah

It would actually be really awesome if one of the Raptor Squad members was named Sarah. I can see Sarah Harding really angrily protesting the park right up until the moment she finds out they named a raptor after her. “Shut down Jurassic World! Shut down Jurassic World! Shut down… aww, you named her what? After me? Come here, Sarah! Who wants a hug, huh?”

julianne moore, jurassic park ch

Me? Talk about Julianne Moore in relation to Jurassic Park? Never.

“scars” “rex” “his body” “jurassic”

I, uh… I guess I’ve been known to write about guys with scars on their body from T. rexes in Jurassic Park. You know, once in a while. Completely in moderation and without obsession or high-pitched animal noises.

jurassic world claire releases the t rex

In case this was a question, yes, she does. At least from what we know.

lost world sarah harding cosplay

Wow. I talk about Sarah Harding much more than I thought I do. Is this some kind of bit-by-bit, drawn-out intervention you guys have been holding for me?

jurassic park lego fence

I honestly don’t know of anyone else in the world who’s been genuinely excited for the fence pieces in the Jurassic World Lego sets. I’m honestly glad that makes someone out there happy. You go, fence guy.

spinosaurus kisses t-rex fanfic

Oh man, somebody write this. Someone please make this a thing. (I Googled this myself, and unfortunately T. rex/ Spino romance stories about shy first kisses in the moonlight don’t exist. It did, however, lead me to some very… unique stories.)

raptor girl fanfic

Claiming this as my superhero name.

did owen actually train raptor in jurassic world

He sure did, assuming this movie doesn’t pull a Psycho and have him get eaten five minutes in.

industries rex pictures jurassic world

Unlike the Indominus rex, the Industries rex provides jobs and sustainable energy sources for a growing international market.

jurassic park fan fic ellie gets fat

I Googled this for myself, and no such Jurassic Park fanfiction seems to exist. Under other circumstances, I might ignore this. But this seems to be a genuinely pressing problem in the world. It’s been searched for eleven times. That means at least one person is desperately in need of fanfiction in which Ellie Sattler gains weight, and no help is in sight for them. Well, I’m not one to walk away when people depend on me. I’ve got you, friend.

“Yeah, just for a little while. Can you really come over right now? You can? Thanks, it’s really nice of you. Okay, bye.” Ellie swiped the red icon, put her phone down and sighed.

Truly, Ellie had fallen from grace. Her problem had become so monstrous that it had started to consume her entire life, much like she was consuming the Twix bar in her hand. She looked around her kitchen and contemplated the direction her life had taken. Ellie Sattler was always a tough woman, but that was because of the terrible secret she hid– she was a comfort-eater. She put a tough exterior up and showed it to the world, but when she was alone, she descended into a deep pit that she could only get out of by eating entire tubs of Cool Wip in single sittings. She’d managed to keep it under control until the fateful day she’d discovered the Ninth Doctor’s season of Dr. Who.

It was funny. It was tear-jerking. It was memorable. Above all, it was beautiful. Ellie had instantly become obsessed. She’d watched every episode at least twice. She’d obsessively watched GIFs of it and written fanfiction of it. Until the day that the final episode aired and the line “Rose Tyler, I…” had hit her ears. After that, everything fell to pieces. Ellie was devastated. Her heart had been ripped in two like it never had before, and she didn’t know how to cope. So she’d turned to the one thing that always made her feel better– endless, endless food.

That had been almost six weeks ago, and Ellie had ignored her problem for as long as she could. Now, though, she finally made herself face that things had really gotten out of hand. Sighing, she hoisted herself out of the chair and waddled her way to the fridge, making trenches through the two-foot-deep pile of candy bar wrappers that covered the kitchen floor. As she opened the fridge door, her fat-folds flapping in the wind like so many Archaeopteryx wings, a sight hit her eyes that made her take a step back. There was no more food left in the refrigerator; instead, there was a hole through the back of the fridge that tunneled a few feet into the wall. Suddenly, the full extent of what Ellie had done hit her. She had eaten herself out of house and home.

She slowly turned and then caught a vision of her face, reflected in the microwave. After her instinctive thoughts of cheesy pizza rolls had subsided, her knees buckled in horror. Staring back at her was a massive, flesh-colored blob of what might have once been her former self. Ellie had always known that there was nothing wrong with being fat, or even obese– weight didn’t make a person worth more or less. But this was something else entirely. She had transformed into a physical manifestation of her greasy, salty, calorie-packed obsession. She was no longer eating food. Food was eating her.

Shaking, she collapsed on the floor and sobbed until she heard a quick knocking on her door. “Ellie? You called me over?” came Ian’s familiar voice through the wall. After a second, he turned the handle and opened the door. Ian stood in the doorframe for a second and contemplated the sight of the woman lying on the kitchen floor in front of him. He paused momentarily, pulled down his glasses and finally said, “That is one big pile of Ellie.”

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4 thoughts on “Search Term Safari

  1. ‘That is one big pile of Ellie’.
    Thanks for making my day.
    This is a really cool concept! Maybe I should do something like this on my own site. My most common search terms are Charles Knight (because on of the images I used in my blog is actually one of the first images you see when you type in Charles Knight, and that has made my Charles Knight art review my most viewed post), Oviraptor (same reasons as Charles Knight), and T rex with feathers (same reasons). I haven’t gotten to many weird search terms yet, except for one that threw me for a loop.
    ‘land before time rule 34’.
    Oh god…

    Liked by 1 person

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