I promised I’d do this and I am now delivering: today I’m starting a multi-part review of the travesty of a Jurassic World ripoff called Jurassic City. It’s corny, it’s cheesy, it’s a bunch of other awful flavors and it’s cheerfully insane and terrible, yet impossible to look away from—a bit like the smoking wreckage of a bunch of clown cars. Let’s dive in, shall we?
In the first scene, a guy who’s not Vincent D’Onfrio and who I dub Suit ponders a DNA strand in an ~~ominous corporate laboratory~~. A soldier squad of some kind comes in to keep a raptor-like dinosaur under control; it busts out of its cage and lunges at a guy, who then shoots it. Get used to this kind of déjà vu, you’ll be seeing kind of a lot of it today.
This is the first dinosaur we see. It looks like it’s from a mid-2000s arcade game and has a roar that can really only be described as a guttural “MWUUUUUUHHHH”.
This movie has some decent cinematography. The lighting and atmosphere are really varied and some of the shots would be great if the acting and effects weren’t so terrible. And that makes me pretty angry.
You know, I was about to make a joke about this. I was going to say “this is who we blame! HE DID THIS” or something similar, but then I found the IMDB of the head of this digital effects company, and that really took the punch out of whatever fun I could’ve made of him:
The poor guy did the SFX for a Lord of the Rings movie, and ten years later he had to stoop to animating freakin’ Sharknado. I can’t make fun of that.
But I’ll make fun of his terrible dinosaurs, you can be sure of that!
We open on a party scene, where new sorority pledges appear to be wearing flea collars and leashes. Scantily-clad women are insulting them and greased-up women in bikinis are wrestling in kiddie pools. I feel like I’m intruding on a part of someone’s mind that’s filled with really repressed thoughts. Some director or producer, perhaps.
One pledge, however, isn’t so enamored with this and makes the exact facial expressions that we all are when we see the lingering bikini shots and terrible house music in this scene. Everyone else seems to be totally down with these girls wearing dog stuff because they’re just running with the crowd, but you see, this lady is not like other girls. We shall call her Feminist Face.
The military guy that shot the Worst Raptor Ever goes and talks to Suit and tells him that he’d shoot the thing again if he had to. Between the guy’s willingness to shoot raptors and the fact that he’s a military guy going into a control room to talk to someone about why dinosaurs are probably not a good idea, I’m not sure if he’s ripping off Owen or Muldoon. Oh, and Suit calls him “dear boy” and has a British accent. You can figure that one out.
He folds his hands like Mr. Burns when Military walks away. FORESHADOWING?
That, unfortunately, is all I can do tonight. You can be assured that I’ll watch and review the whole movie; it may take a while, but I’ll do it. Let’s just hope more Jurassic World news comes out in the meantime—I’ve spent many years developing my brain cells and frankly I’ve grown very attached to them.
Also, one of those posters I mentioned yesterday is for sale! Bid it up! http://www.ebay.com/itm/221723229601