Buckle Up, It’s Merchandise Time

Before any of this starts, two important announcements. First, a new Jurassic World trailer will drop at 11 PM ET on April 8th!

Somebody get a countdown clock running up in here. Second:

Dr. Wu is apparently continuing in the proud Jurassic Park tradition of limb loss. And I’m a little confused about the wording here– does Dr. Wu only seem to have one foot and is he actually un-maimed in the movie or does this mean this is the first clue we’ll get that Wu is pedally impaired? Probably the second, and if it’s true, he better have some kind of weapon hidden in his prosthetic foot that he hurls at dinosaurs and then smirks, “Science, b***h.”

The following pictures were taken from the Jurassic World Community: Best Pics/ Cars/ Toys Facebook page. The page is run by Baptiste Courdet, who has recently contacted me to tell me that some pictures I’ve put up on here originally belonged to them. I haven’t gotten an answer thus far as to which pictures those are, but I can at least give credit for these and recommend you to visit Courdet’s extensive Jurassic World fan works and pages.

These were recently displayed at some sort of Mercedes-Benz showroom event. I like the second one, it’s very Lost World. These aren’t for sale, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be driving one soon, that is if I can find the loading dock behind the convention hall when the event’s over and slip the right people the right bills.

T. rex “exists to remind us how very small we are”. I’m taking a shot in the dark here and guessing that this is some kind of ponderous/poignant line, maybe spoken by Dr. Wu or someone else with a heck of a lot more humility and self-awareness than Masrani and Claire. Or it could be the tearjerker closing line of the film. Either way, I would add an “and very edible” in there somewhere. There’s still time.

Also, hooray, they made a backpack out of this (top left corner)!:

Now we’ve got Legos!

This is an exclusive figure that will only come with the I., rex breakout set and the video game. I love the amber block, that’s really cool. Dr. Wu appears to have two feet here– is it a conspiracy? Stay tuned for further investigation tonight at 11.

Here’s Zach. Nobody cares about Zach.

Nothing to see here, just an I. rex and a man who’s found an exciting new occupation as a Twinkie.

This is labeled ‘Gallimimus Trap’ and call me skeptical, but that doesn’t look like a Gallimimus to me. They seem to have sprouted teeth and grown to be like little velociraptors. Isn’t evolution a beautiful thing? The best thing to do with one of these would probably be to just pretend they’re Troodons; the sizing and look are more accurate that way. Actually, that’s really awesome! Lego Jurassic Park Troodons! That’s so cool I bet a black hole just opened up somewhere.

Finally, we just got in a boatload of new random merchandise pictures, mostly birthday-party supplies.

Pteranodon has intact wings! Happy birthday indeed!

GAH!

KILL IT WITH FIRE! What the heck is wrong with that I. rex? Was DNA from one of those stuffed animals from the 90s with normal bodies and plastic heads grafted into her DNA? Seriously, that head looks like a plastic piece and it’s freaking me out, man. And look at her eyes– have they gone all white? Is she blind or just possessed?

“T. REX PERMITS YOU TO USE HER IMAGE AS HEAD ORNAMENTATION FOR A SHORT TIME, SO THAT YOU MAY MAKE YOUR ALLEGIANCE KNOWN TO HER ENEMIES!”

I think I figured out why I laughed so hard at this– T. rex looks like she’s roid-raging and screaming “BIRTHDAY! IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY! INVITATION!” at the top of her lungs.

Let us bow our heads for a moment of silent remembrance. Numquam obliviscaris Plate Incidens.

Jurassic World chewing gum! Now in such exciting flavors as West Indian Lilac Berry, Chilean Sea Bass and Blatantly Product-Placed Krackel Bar!

They’re releasing a ton of T-shirts in conjunction with the movie. I support this in the hopes that I’ll be able to spot others of my kind in the wild.

We need to have a talk, Jurassic World. I’m sort of, well, I’m starting to think you only care about how many buckets of money I’m going to dump on you. I thought I meant more than that.

Look at this picture.

This is a sickle claw. It was the main weapon of the velociraptor and appeared prominently in every movie of the Jurassic Park franchise. It is drawn by simply making a C, making a bigger C outside of it and connecting the two with a little C facing in the opposite directio; you then draw lines between the Cs in order to form a shape like the one in the photo. I have literally just given the most simple, to-the-point description of a sickle claw to ever exist. Now, if anyone at Universal is reading this, you have no excuse whatsoever to pretend you don’t know how to draw or place a sickle claw.

Aviary, all right! I don’t know about you guys, but this is a lot like the way I pictured the aviary as seen from a distance in the novel. That had better be some pretty strong glass in the ceiling there.

How very tribal! There are a few other shirts with cutout-like designs like this one. They look like they’d make a cool music video if they were animated.

please be feathers on the back of the head please be feathers please be feathers merciful God I beg of you

“Heard you were talkin’ s**t.”

This is probably my favorite out of the bunch, if only for the incredulously offended look on this raptor’s face. “Oh… oh, really? Oh, it is on. It. Is. On.”

*obligatory Psycho joke*

Well, I usually think about dinosaurs in the shower anyway. It’s helpful to cut out the middle man.

You know what we should do? Make a color-code system so each of these bracelets represents a different favorite movie in the trilogy. Black for the first, white for the second, orange for the third and blue for the fourth. We can wear them in public and when we see other people wearing them, we can tacklehug people with the same bracelets/favorite movies as us and side-eye the people in orange ones.

That’s it for new merchandise pictures, but if you live in Europe, your adventure is just beginning. Jurassic World toys are starting to hit shelves there, at least in France. If you’re lucky enough to be or live there, go hit a Toys ‘R Us up!

These pictures and more can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/JurassicWorldCommunity?fref=photo