Hilton Isla Nublar Site

A new website launched just the other day for the Hilton Isla Nublar Resort, possibly the one part of this movie that everybody isn’t dying to know about. Wanna know more about the raptor training program and how it came into being? The I. rex’s backstory? How exactly they got all these enormous predators into cages that are probably made of glass and got them to stay in there for 20 years without ripping anybody apart? Too bad, bozo, here’s half a page about rock massages! There isn’t too much to learn about the park on the site, but we’re starving vultures and any official Jurassic World content is a fresh, ripe carcass, so let’s dig in.

1

They’ve got a countdown clock running until the movie opens, which has been awesome. I say “has been” because Jurassic Park Legacy has had a countdown clock up since a few hours after the movie’s release date was announced. JPL is usually the first to host Jurassic World leaks (although they’re very respectful about taking them down when asked) and now Jurassic World is using one of JPL’s ideas. There’s something poetic here, I just know it.

2

Of all the things this site is big on, in-universe/ real-life continuity is not among them.

3
It’s a pool within a pool. It’s Poolception.

Take a hot, relaxing dip in a giant teacup—in other words, an oversized type of dish! There’s nothing forebodingly symbolic here at all!

4

Beautiful though it is, this is still a bar, and that means that hordes of adults will inevitably get sloshed and then immediately head out to hang-glide, canoe and play among large dinosaurs. Better make sure those fences are strung up reeeeeeal tight.

5

I was gonna find a picture of the hotel room from that episode of Futurama where Fry and Leela go to that beach cabana because I thought this looked like it, but I couldn’t find a screencap and now this joke sucks. Sorry.

6

Oh, you won’t need those treadmills. You’ll be doing a lot of running very soon, trust me.

7

This word is misspelled no less than three times. Rather than the depressing reality that some underpaid intern at Universal or Jurassic World, depending on how you look at it, wrote this at 2 AM before a deadline, I’m guessing this is a clever nod to the first novel. Ian Malcolm said this in it:

“You create new life forms, about which you know nothing at all. Your Dr. Wu does not even know the names of the things he is creating. He cannot even be bothered with such details as what the thing is called, let alone what it is […] you never learn anything about them, yet you expect them to do your bidding.”

Someone at that studio is either spelling-deficient or way, way ahead of us.

8

WAIT… Oscar winners=

9
*muffled “God Save the Queen” in the background*

=

10

I’m not grasping at straws. Sh—shut up.

11

Stegosaurus is a pretty appropriate species to name a tavern after, I guess, since you’ll have about the same brain capacity as the animal after five or six consecutive beers. Now this is a stretch and I doubt even more than the last reference that this was deliberate, but regarding the plants foraged from the island, here’s another quote from the first novel.

“They came to the swimming pool […] The area was planted with huge ferns. […] “These plants really contribute to the Jurassic atmosphere. These are authentic Jurassic ferns, of course.” […] But whoever had decided to place this particular fern at poolside obviously didn’t know what the spores of veriformans […] [had a toxin that was] fifty times more poisonous than oleander.”

I realize that these chefs probably know what they’re doing, but if someone ended up using a dangerous plant in the food because it looked good or they didn’t know what it was, it would be a beautiful little way to show little chinks beginning to grow in the park’s armor.

12

No way, man. If I’m getting married on Isla Nublar, I’m going all the way. I’m having a little Triceratops as the ring bearer, and at the end I’m releasing Dimorphodon instead of doves. I’m riding a Baryonyx to the ceremony and carrying a West Indian lilac berry bouquet. I’m holding my reception in the original dining room and serving green Jello and ginger ice cream, and I’m stealing a baby raptor to be my first child. I’m marrying a T. rex. Do it right or don’t do it at all, people.

Well, that’s all for now. They’re Not Taking Reservations At This Time, but maybe someday. Check out the site here:http://hiltonislanublar.com/

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2 thoughts on “Hilton Isla Nublar Site

  1. The guy who misspelled Mosasaurus is probably the same guy who spelled Stegosaurus ‘Stegasaurus’ in the first film.
    And somehow was able to correctly spell Metriacanthosaurus.

    Like

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