Search Term Safari 2

In case you weren’t around for the previous one, welcome to Search Term Safari, where I take a look at some of the search terms that lead people here, answer any questions and toss off a few jokes. Yes, there is Jurassic World content to be covered, but it’s more of a Random News-type thing and I can’t access any of the videos on this browser anyway. But I can show you one thing. Mercedes-Benz’s new ad, which for some reason they made Twitter followers jump through hoops to unscramble:

mercedes-benz-jurassic-world-001-1

That car is about to either get utterly demolished or it’s about to blind I. rex with its glorious beams of consumerism and superb German manufacturing. Either way, it’s a sad day when a Jurassic Park dinosaur is reduced to a prop in a car ad. I hope some dinosaur freaking wrecks that thing in the movie. Someone better get chomped on through the undercarriage. Hey, wait a minute–

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Stop trying to steal her glory! LEAVE REXY ALONE!

Well, whatever, it’s a cool car ad. Buy Mercedes-Benz; at best you’ll look cool screaming at someone through the phone while you drive, at worst your death will be just a little more drawn-out. Das Beste oder Nichts.

Right, let’s see some search terms!

jurassic adventures of raptor dash

Searched 49 times. I feel loved. ❤

stegoceratops

So is this an established part of my repertoire or something? Whatever, fine, a personal brand’s a personal brand.

human raptor pack fanfiction.net

I would think a raptor pack made of humans would kinda defeat the purpose. However, if you’re looking for stories about a human joining a raptor pack, then yes. There is an overwhelming abundance of those stories on FF.net. And the great majority of them are written with the same intricacy and knowledge of what life is really like in the jungle as the novel Hatchet.

vcgytrewz@*:;

I typed this into Google and nothing came up. It is a term that doesn’t exist. Yet, someone somewhere typed this into a search engine and they miraculously came up with my blog. This can only be the work of destiny. Soul mate, are you out there?

owen grady baby velociraptor

owen grady and baby raptors

I like the way you think!

jurassic world spoilers owen and claire romance

It was recently leaked that they do the kissy-kissy at the end.

great white rudy dinosaur show

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Rudy

I will never, ever stop laughing at this comparison.

did the mosasaurs eat zara

In my opinion, yes, but it’s the subject of hot debate and a massive arm-removal conspiracy.

ian malcolm fanfic

jurassic park fanfiction sarah and ian

Got ’em right here! Got ’em by the armful! Get ’em while they’re hot!

hoo as dinosaurs fanfiction

index

owen grady x raptor fanfic

They do exist, but I don’t have nearly enough brain bleach on hand to link to any.

jurassic park fan fic staring ellie sattler

I don’t know of any fanfics centering around this subject, but I do have an extensive collection of photos of Ellie staring at things!

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jurassic-park-ellie-sattler

images

jurassic park backpack, enter at your own risk

Backpacks are very hazardous. Make sure to take the adequate precautions before entering one.

“lord kristine” jurassic park

I’ve gotten about 12 different variations on this, totaling about 20 searches for “Lord Kristine Jurassic Park”. Kristine, you is famous!

littlewhat are the basted dinosaurs called in jurassic park

Huh. Well, the littlest dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are the compys; the word you may be looking for is “Littlefoot”; and sadly enough, you can, in a way, purchase a basted dinosaur:

turkey

what did carnotaurus eat

Everything. Up to and including Disney’s Animal Kingdom visitors.

DinosaurAK
Ah yes, the grinning figment of my nightmares.

mosasaurus mighty ruler of the sea

All right, a kindred spirit! Gimme five! All hail Mosasaur, ocean queen of the slaughter!

hammond implies that grant and sattler are visiting isla nublar for an enjoyable experience however the narrative implies that they are visiting the island… [Wordpress won’t show me the rest of the term, but it continues]

Every once in a while, I get kids whose English teachers assigned them the first JP novel to read and who care so little about the book/work that they just Google their assignment questions. I always wonder what they think when they type in questions like these and find all the Jurassic Park fan communities where people argue about arms in mouths and screech about Barbasol cans. Probably the way I did after I read Great Gatsby and found the Tumblrs.

ingen human-to-raptor mating

jurassic world xxx

NOPE, NO THANK YOU GOODBYE

playskool jurassic world mosasaurus

Instill a fear of the ocean and knowledge of their own mortality into your children from birth!

lego jurassic world gallimimus trap whear to buy it

Gamestop. Technically you have to preorder the Lego game to get it, but if you go in the late afternoon or at night, when the bored teenagers are manning the store, you may be able to persuade a worker to sell one to you without a preorder. (Or just wait 2 weeks and buy it for $5 from someone sketchy on Ebay.)

ian malcom grin

I gotcha, pal!

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iufshfs

in jurassic world idmonius rex lego can it hold people

I’m pretty sure, yes. I think one of the leaked prototypes from last August showed that it had that ability.

xenomorph snot

…I’m very sorry to say that I can’t help you.

jurassic park fanfiction trex romance

Once again, I typed this into Google and no such fanfics exist, but I hate to let down someone so excited about dinosaur stories. I’m here for you, fanfic friend!

All was quiet in the Tyrannosaurus Rex Kingdom. Rush hour had passed and the crowds had moved on to different, more exciting attractions; only a single, hunched-over figure remained in the hollow log that made up the viewing area. Dr. Grant, with many more lines on his face and worries in his head than the last time he’d come to this island, was sitting by himself on a bench and staring into the clearing ahead. He wanted so badly to believe that she would come back, that she would return for him, but he’d been there for two hours and there had been no sign of her at all. Alan closed his eyes and hung his head, despair finally taking over. If she wasn’t coming at all, maybe it was a message. Maybe she didn’t really want to see him again. Maybe her promise from so long ago was a lie.

Just as he slowly rose to leave, familiar vibrations began to shake the floorboards beneath him. He turned, hoping against hope that it was her, and he was rewarded with the sight of the most beautiful pair of dinosaur legs in the world stomping into the area before him. Alan leaned forward and grabbed a railing, putting his other hand over his heart. It was true, she was here– Rexy had come back for him.

Another moment passed, and then the hulking figure in front of the window ducked down. Rexy’s gorgeous face was suddenly in front of the window, not even a foot from him. “Alan?” she gasped, her toothy jaw hanging open.

“Rexy!” he cried, pressing his hand against the glass.

“But Alan, how did– how did you– I didn’t know you were here!” She blushed a little. “I didn’t think you’d ever come back for me.”

“Oh, Rexy, darling,” Grant said, grinning. “Did you really think I’d forget about you on this island? I would never leave you all alone.”

“Alan, I’ve missed you so much,” T. rex sniffed, big watery tears coming to her eyes. “After all we shared… these twenty years were so long, but it was all worth it to see you again.”

“They say true love never dies,” he said, putting both of his hands up against the glass and right next to her face. There was a momentary pause as they took a moment to stare deeply into each other’s eyes, saying everything that words never could. Alan broke the silence by pulling something out of his back pocket and holding it up for her to see. “I got you something.”

Rexy gasped again. “Oh, Alan, it’s a goat leg!” The tiny limb dripped with blood; after all this time, he’d even remembered how she liked her favorite snack cooked. “Thank you!” She thrust her head forward without thinking, needing to somehow nuzzle him without accidentally eating him. She forgot all about the glass– and then a miracle happened.

The glass window shattered. After all the times she’d bashed against it and tried to get free, right now was the time that the window flew open in a splash of thick glass shards. “Alan!” she shouted when the dust cleared. “Alan, are you all right?”

“Of course,” he reassured. “What’s a piece of glass in the eye if I can be with you, my dear?”

She looked him over to be sure her love was okay, and then Rexy finally realized something. The window was gone. There was nothing between her and Alan now– or her and the outside world. In one wide step, she carefully ducked and made her way into the viewing area, out of her enclosure. “I’m here!” she roared, and gently rubbed her snout against Alan’s cheek. “Oh, I’m so happy to be together again! I’m out of my pen and I’m here with you, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted!”

“Me too, Rexy. I am too,” Alan said. He reached out and grasped her neck muscles, pulling himself up her body until he was comfortably seated on her back. “I’m ready to go when you are. But first, I have something else…” From the same back pocket, he produced a beautiful flower crown woven from daisies and placed it on her head. “There you are. You’re as beautiful as ever. I love you, darling.”

“I love you too, Alan,” Rexy said, her eyes and heart glowing. “Now let’s go kill that stupid I. rex and destroy Jurassic World– together!”

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11 thoughts on “Search Term Safari 2

  1. I’m starting to wonder why Zara getting eaten is such a big deal to the fandom (if you want my two cents, btw, there’s no doubt she will). People get eaten in the JP franchise all the time! Is it because she’s the first woman to get the axe, or maybe is it because she’s played by Katie McGrath?

    I always suspected that someone might have made Owen x Raptors a thing, but I was desperately hoping that it wasn’t real and just in my imagination 8[

    Man, the Claire/Owen kiss is gonna destroy my mom XD

    That fanfic at the end was hilarious and adorable at the same time!

    Like

    1. I think people care so much because, yeah, she is the first woman in the movies to kick it. I don’t see why it’s such a big deal either but to each their own I guess.
      When Claire and Owen kiss it will destroy every.single.one.of.us. I’m gonna scream and toss popcorn when it happens. It’s gonna get real.
      Aww, thank you! Glad you liked it! 🙂

      Like

      1. “SUCKING FACE WITH A HYBRID DINOSAUR” is my life’s anthem and that picture is my flag.

        Also, someone looked for you and found this site with the term “lord.keistine.jurassic.ork”. Someone was having a stroke, but they thought of you while it happened.

        Like

      2. Does this mean that I have another alter ego by the name Lord Keistine? Crap. That’s, like, the thirtieth version of me on the Internet.

        Like

      3. Oh the kiss won’t destroy my mom from joy. She’s gonna be FURIOUS when she sees it (see, she loves Chris Pratt, but hates Bryce Dallas Howard).
        You’re welcome!

        Like

    1. Well, to be fair, I did have Ian think that baby parasaurs looked like little xenomorphs (because of course the dork would) in ‘Panagaea’. Though why that term of all of them got found here, I’ll never know.

      Like

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