Well Smack Me With a Halibut, It’s Real

There’s a reason for that title and I’ll get to it, but I’ll get to it at the end because I have a really good joke so stay with me, all right? First, Sesame Street did a Jurassic Park parody and it’s absolutely hilarious:





It features Cookie Monster as Hammond along with a couple of adorable little Lex and Tim puppets, and they do a bunch of silly stuff after the necessary homage shots. And it also has a really good message– “if you’re feeling anxious, you’ll be able to think more clearly if you do something that makes you feel better, like hugging yourself”– that I was pleasantly surprised was in there. Is that a regular thing that the show is doing now? Giving advice to kids with anxiety? That’s really awesome. Heck, maybe I should start watching Sesame Street again.

The Waterloo Station raptor crate has been improved!



Honestly, I would probably go there and touch one of them even if it meant getting kicked out, just for the chance to pet a raptor. There don’t seem to be too many color differences, so this might not be the Raptor Squad– have we been graced with the presence of wild Nublar raptors? There’s other stuff too, like an audio tour, giant posters and “park guides” walking around, but this is by far the coolest part of it. Note the advertisements for Claire’s GLE Coupe. I like to think that every once in a while, Claire would just put giant banners with her cool car up all over the island, just to show everyone what she could afford. She needed to cement her status. She needed power.

The official JW Facebook page released this today:


So Owen needs to shoot something in the visitors’ center? I want to think he’s going after the pteranodon flock, because the alternative makes me want to bang my head against the wall. So right now, I’m going with the assumption that he’s not shooting at the I. rexthat I. rex is not in the visitors’ center and that there will not be a re-creation of the famous VC scene from the first movie with I. rex taking Rexy’s place. I’m ignoring that possibility. Hear me doing it? It sounds like me sticking my fingers in my ears and singing. La laaa la laaaa, la la laa la la la laaaaa…

Finally– and here’s where the title comes in– a new featurette was just released, featuring paleontological consultant Jack Horner and some new footage:


“…so you see, what the scene culminates in is– stay with me here– there’s this dummy, right? A real stupid-looking dummy. It’s in one of the store windows on Main Street. Just a real dumb-looking thing, and it’s dressed like Robert Bakker. It’s got the beard and the vest and everything. And just in case no one gets the reference, there’ll be a sign on its neck that says ” the ROBERT BAKKER collection”. But wait, it gets better. So T. rex is stomping down Main Street, she’s just destroyed the Spino skeleton. And she stops and just looks down into this window, and when she sees the store mannequin– which, again, is Robert Bakker– she lunges down, picks it up and eats it. Just swallows it whole. And when she’s done, she looks right into the camera and says, “SEE, I’M NOT A SCAVENGER.” It’s genius, right? See, what I’m going for here is subtlety. It’s symbolic, you feel me?”

There were a couple of new shots, like this one of Dimorphodon having none of anyone’s ****:


And Hoskins yelling at Masrani about how I. rex is a killing machine, while Masrani just stands there and regards him with the “ugh, plebian” look that I’ve grown to love him for:


As well as AIEEEEE, more babies!


Aww, how cute! That one kind of looks like a little iguana, but at least she’s realistic. She looks quite a lot like an animatronic, actually– just look at the way her skin folds. And awwwww, she’s closing her eyes when they pet her just like a little puppy! It would be nice to see how the movie ends, but clearly this scene is where I’ll keel over and die.

And here, finally, is the main point. We got a shot of Wu’s mad-scientist laboratory, which is just as cool as I’d imagined it. Very dark and creepy and dare I say slightly morbid:


Wait, what’s that on the computer monitor?…



I called it! Didn’t I totally call it? I forget whether it was here or JPL, but I totally said that Stegoceratops would probably just make a background cameo on a screen. Well, the wait and speculation are over. Stegoceratops is canon! This is shown right before a blueprint shot of I. rex on the same screen, so it’s distinctly possible that Stegoceratops may have been already created as well. He did it. The crazy son of a *****, Wu did it. I’m actually very excited for where this is going– if it’s not in this movie, there’s still Jurassic Park 5 for Stegoceratops to show up in. And I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to our new Stegoceratops overlords for what I’ve called their kind on this blog in the past, “ugly abominations” being the least of it.

Raptor Dash gazed up at the enormous face. Ten months it had taken her to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the two curved horns. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving dinosaur breast! Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of her nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. She had won the victory over her lack of suspension of disbelief. She loved Stegoceratops.


5 thoughts on “Well Smack Me With a Halibut, It’s Real

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s