I’m aware that not all of my followers and readers live in America, but those of you that do are probably more than aware of the presidential race that’s currently on. (And those of you who don’t probably do, too. We do kind of make a big, international deal about our politics, don’t we?) You know, then, that there are dozens of candidates all trying to be President in 2016, and that they have an array of vastly different policies. They’ve all spoken out with their opinions on gay marriage, climate change, the economy, etc., etc. But what they don’t know is that there’s one crucial topic that none of them has addressed. That’s why I sent a few of them the following email:
Congratulations on entering the 2016 presidential race! My name is (name redacted), and I would like to wish you the best of luck in receiving your party’s nomination and making your way to the White House.
I would also like to ask you a question regarding your policies. Since, to my knowledge, you have never made an official statement about one certain issue, nor have you mentioned it in any debates, I felt it was necessary to write to you and personally ask how you stand on a very controversial topic. A large and growing number of Americans are concerned about a certain field of science that has frequently made the news lately, and we would be interested to know what you think about this issue, as well as how you will handle it should you be elected into office.
Where do you stand on the practice of cloning, specifically the cloning of dinosaurs? Ever since the documentary Jurassic World aired, the American public has been highly concerned about the methods used by the InGen Corporation, and about the death and destruction that resulted from their scientific endeavors. Although this country seems to be very divided on what should be done with the corporation and its practice of “de-extincting” prehistoric animals, no prominent politicians or world leaders have stepped forward and spoken about their views on the subject.
I speak for a large part of America when I ask you—do you think that de-extinction and the creation of dinosaurs is ethical, especially the creation of dangerous, volatile hybrids such as Indominus rex? Some think that InGen’s work in mixing several species to create a new, destructive animal was cruel and unusual, and that de-extinction should be outlawed on the grounds of animal cruelty; others believe that, since InGen is a private company and that none of its work was illegal, the government should not intervene and that the ethics of cloning should be handled by the corporations practicing it. Do you stand with either side, or do you have a platform of your own?
In addition to this, if you become president and Commander in Chief, how do you plan to handle Isla Nublar itself? Again, America is fully divided on this problem—some think that the American government is obligated at least to help with the Jurassic World problem, while others say that the Costa Rican government should be left alone in deciding the fate of the island. Do you think that America should leave the island alone or take initiative in handling it? Furthermore, do you agree with the United Nations’ suggestion of a quarantine around the island, or do you support the full eradication of Isla Nublar and all its inhabitants? If you support the latter, would you ever consider using the United States’ stock of nuclear weapons to eliminate Jurassic World’s dinosaurs and their possible threat to humankind?
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter; your dedication to your supporters is admirable. If you decide to answer at least a few of my questions, I and those who want to see you elected would truly appreciate it. I look forward to hearing back from you!
I tried to send every major candidate that email, but a bunch of them could only be contacted through forms that required my phone number and other personal information that I didn’t want to answer myself, and that I couldn’t think of a way to make someone else’s problem without consequences. I did, however, manage to get a hold of Dr. Ben Carson (R),
Carly Fiorina (R),
Rand Paul (R),
Marco Rubio (R),
Donald Trump (R),
and Bernie Sanders (D).
If none of them respond (and let’s be honest, I won’t be waiting by the phone for them to) I’ll move on to other candidates and make up a fake number or something. The only person that I really wanted to email was Hillary Clinton, but it seems like the only way to send her fan mail is by actual snail mail, so we’ll have to wait a bit longer to see if she’ll respond. However, the motto of this blog is pretty much “Because I felt like doing something stupid”, so I’ll wait and see if any presidential candidates like getting in on a good old joke. If they do, you heard it here first, everyone– I crank-called Bernie Sanders before it was cool.
I can’t wait to see if Donald Trump would nuke the island.
UPDATE: I haven’t gotten anything back but form letters yet, but just wait and see. Bernie Sanders was the first to reply, sending me an email that addressed me as “Dear Friend” and assuring me that he’d received my comments.
Ben Carson will at least make his PR team read my letter, since he’s making sure to read them ALL:
And Donald Trump has promised to respond to my questions. Don’t let me down, toupeed orange grandpa: