Search Term Safari #3

Every once in a while, I like to go through my WordPress dashboard and take a look at the search terms that lead people to this blog. A lot of the time they’re exactly what I would expect– “Owen Grady”, “Jurassic Park T. rex” and the like. But sometimes they’re questions that haven’t been answered, or that are just plain out-there. Those are what I’m here for. If any of these search terms are what led you here, I hope I can help you find what you were looking for!

jurassic park alan grant hat figures

Of all of the strange things that have been produced in the name of Jurassic Park– including this piece of crap— I don’t think a toy has ever been made of Alan Grant’s hat. However, I do know for a fact that there’s a loose Grant hat floating around the world somewhere, and it may or may not be up for sale separately. If you’d like to buy it, consider contacting this Ebay seller:

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jurassic park seatbelt slow motion

fotos seat belt jurassic park

jurassic park seatbelt

If you didn’t already know this, the seat belt in the helicopter scene in the first movie is very cleverly symbolic. I spent 15 minutes Photoshopping several JP logos over a picture of a car seat belt before I realized that the symbolism was what these people were looking for.

sharktopus vs indominus rex

I would pay actual money for a drawing of this. (For the record, Sharktopus would win. It would go down similarly to JW’s final fight, except quicker, gorier and approximately 1,000 times more awesome.)

is it possible in the next jurassic world owen and claire could get married

Yes, it’s very possible, and I hope it’ll happen! In the meantime, here are some fanfics that should help with that need.

weird pterodactyls in jurassic world

You’re thinking of Dimorphodon.

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“SKRIEEE! I DESERVE A NAME AND A VOICE! SKRIEEEEEEEE!”

 

jurrassic world leago taradactell

Don’t worry, it’s free!

“search term safari”

How very meta.

insistence quotes

There appears to only be one quote in all of the Jurassic Park movies that involves insistence, but I found it. Here, I even made it into inspirational-quote format for you!

JP-JohnHammond

raptor on human beastiality

raptor sex fanfic

raptor transformation fanfiction

raptor mating fanfic

raptors x owen smut fanfics

download

claire dearing awesome.

I love how there was a period here. Whoever searched for this had no doubt that Claire’s awesomeness is an objective fact.

mosasaurus real

Yes, Virginia, mosasaurs were indeed real! They were awesome, murderous terror-beasts of the sea, and they could grow to be up to 50 feet long— the size of an I. rex. It was recently scientifically proven that no member of the Mosasaur genus, at any point in prehistory, ever gave a single f**k. They ate literally anything that swam in front of their mouths or dared to stand on the shores of their homes. Plus they  looked like this:

Mosasaurus

mosasaurus sightings

I have some very, very sad news for you. You’re not likely to see any mosasaurs in the Loch Ness or otherwise, despite what an agriculture blog written in broken English may tell you.

how to crack brawlasaur

Just throw it right on the ground, that should do the trick. Hammers are also useful.

what picture was zach looking at when they saw the mosasaurus

His girlfriend holding a Post-It note with a heart on it, if I remember correctly. If I’m wrong, there are approximately 12 million Nick Robinson-centric Tumblr bloggers who’d be happy to tell you.

lego mr snail in dinosaurs time

Untitled
Snurassic (snail Jurassic)

alan grant x rexy fanfic

I’ve got you covered, buddy!

pakistani film wrong no sex

logan lerman umbrella

Unfortunately, that I can’t help you with.

owen grain costume boy

New Microsoft PowerPoint Presentation

lunging iguana

This has nothing to do with the blog, and I can’t think of any related dinosaur jokes that don’t involve forced memes or Richard Owen references. But I’m giving whoever searched for this a few pictures of angry iguanas, because iguanas are the best lizards ever.

o-IGUANA-ATTACKS-GOLF-BALL-facebook

images

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claire dearing i love her

Me too, searcher. Me too.

meme claire dearing

No no no no no no no don’t summon the heel memes! Don’t–

Jurassic World high heels meme
I can’t tell you the physical pain this causes me.

The above image should actually be useful for two different reasons, one for that search term and one for the fact that “bryce dallas howard sweat” was searched several times over a 4-month period.

lego claire dearing sexy

Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

mercedes benz ate jurassic world

Well, that’s a little bit dramatic for a metaphor about product placement in the movie, but in a way, it works.

fanfic jurassic park muldoon after the attack travels the island with a baby velociraptor

I googled this as well, and this story hasn’t been written as of yet. Why aren’t we funding this?

indominus rex fnaf

*long, world-weary sigh*

Untitled
Ready for Freddy, or whatever.

does jurassic park the video game have bad words

I feel bad knowing that I’m carrying the burden of knowledge for whichever innocent little child searched for this. No, sweetie, it doesn’t, and it’s very fun too. I hope you got it for Christmas.

claire and owen fanfiction archieves of owen explaining his love to claire

“No, Claire, listen. Okay, I’m gonna try this a little slower. I love you. Love is a feeling. It means I like having you around and I think you’re a really great person. I love you. Do you understand, honey?”

“DOES NOT COMPUTE.”

how long would it take zara to die after swallowed whole by mosasaurus

However long it takes for people to stop drawing disturbingly detailed pictures of the Zara-eating scene on Deviantart.

the drastic park backpack that reads enter at your own risk

JurassicPark_082Pyxurz-1024x745

 

jurassic fanfic nick van sarah pairing

I ship it! I even drew a diagram as to why.

New Microsoft PowerPoint Presentation

where do i get carrot for baby triceratops

I’m not going to be the one to break the news. You can get carrots at Publix, my sweet innocent searcher. I’m sure the baby trikes will be so happy when you feed them.

lover nenu aaaaa hhhhhh ahahah

I was about to ask why this term was followed up by the searcher typing in the sounds of their own laughter, but then I started laughing.

simon masrani quote dont need anyone else

Simon is a strong, independent billionaire who don’t need anyone else.

how to write a jurassic park fanfiction

Write Owen and Claire doing the kissy-kissy, and T. rex doing the roary-stompy.

pics of velociraptors with make up and weave

Clever_87ee8b_1559581

jurassic world trex reader fanfiction

I searched all over for this, and unfortunately, there don’t seem to be any Rexy/reader self-insert shipping fanfics anywhere on the Internet. (Although there’s a frankly terrifying number of stories in which Owen falls in love with the reader, who is a dinosaur.) Until now!

It’s the end of your fifth date with Rexy, and you’re finally beginning to grow comfortable around her. You’ve heard all kinds of stories about how she’ll either break or eat her partners’ hearts when their relationships don’t work out, but now that you’re getting to know her, you see what she’s actually like on the inside. She’s much more reserved and gentle than people paint her as, and although she has a tough exterior, when you look into her eyes you can see the loving, sensitive girl within. Even the rumors about her eating habits aren’t true– her goat killings aren’t nearly as bloody as people say, and she always offers you a piece of lawyer before she takes a bite for herself.

The two of you are leisurely walking down the sidewalk after a long dinner date at the local Olive Garden, enjoying the sunset and each other’s company. The world feels like so much of a happier place now that you’re in love– the colors of the sky seem more vibrant, the air feels like it’s filled with hope and possibilities, and the couples and children walking in the street beside you look like they’d be so, so tasty. When Rexy looks down and smiles when she thinks you aren’t looking, you can tell she feels that special energy too. Casually, you try your best to reach up and hold her hand. You quickly find that this is nowhere near possible, but she sees what you were trying and flicks her eyes to the sidewalk, looking a little embarrassed but secretly thrilled. You settle for resting your hand on her gigantic, scaly tail as you continue walking along.

After your peaceful stroll, you arrive at your house, and Rexy walks you up your driveway. You’re suddenly filled with the desire for this perfect day never to end, and for this goodbye to be unnecessary. But you haven’t introduced Rexy to your parents yet– and you’re well aware that your mother would probably scream hysterically and kick both of you out if you tried, if she even survived the encounter– so that isn’t an option. With your back to your door, you turn to face your date, hands clasped and trying your hardest to find just the right words to let her know the giddy joy that her presence brings you.

“I had a really great time with you today, (y/n),” Rexy begins. She’s obviously trying to keep her voice even, but you can see that she’s nervously shifting her weight from one foot to another. She’s uprooting some grass and quite a few hyacinths in the process.

“Me too,” you smile up at her. “We really need to do this more often. I’m pretty busy until next weekend, but the fair is in town soon. Maybe we could check it out together?”

“I’d love to!” she blurts out. Immediately, her eyes widen and she looks at the ground. “I mean, if– if you want. It’s okay if you don’t want to, um…” she swallows,  “…you know. Be seen in a public place like that. With me.”

“Oh, Rexy. Come on, I’m not embarrassed. I don’t care what people think. Of course I want to go with you! When we’re together, I can’t tell you how amazing I feel. I don’t care how many skeletons you destroy, or zoo animals you eat, or security alerts you cause. All I want to do is be with you.”

She looks genuinely touched, and her eyes begin to water as a smile crosses her face. “Thank you, (y/n). I– nobody’s ever said anything like that to me before.”

“You deserve it, Rexy,” you say. “I wish you knew what a special girl you are.” There’s a long, meaningful pause as you stare lovingly into each other’s eyes, saying more than words ever could.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye,” she says finally. “I’ll see you next week?”

“See you next week,” you agree, and there’s another pause as she watches you for a moment. Slowly, she begins to lean forward towards you, her eyes fluttering closed. You follow her cue, closing your eyes and leaning up to meet her. You can’t help but wonder if this is her first kiss,and the thought makes you smile to yourself. You really do love her, and you’re going to try your best to make this moment special.

Before your lips meet, Rexy slowly opens her jaws, and with one swift motion she chomps down on your torso and holds you firmly between her teeth as she lifts your flailing body into the air. As she vigorously shakes her head back and forth, her jagged teeth quickly rip your flesh to shreds and you feel your intestines begin to spill out of your body. As you mercifully begin to lose consciousness, you think to yourself that at least you got the chance to have five happy dates with Rexy before she turned you into a meal. She quickly and neatly swallows your mutilated body and stomps off down the street; from the middle of her esophagus, you can feel her heart thumping with joy and her stomach rumbling with contentment.

For T. rex, there is no love. There is only prey.

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12 thoughts on “Search Term Safari #3

    1. I would actually like a T-shirt with all the different things that people who’ve never seen JP and don’t even know what the Jurassic era is call JP. I edited a book for someone once that contained the phrase “but not like the raptors in Durastic park”.

      Like

  1. Was having a down day. Your site always cheers me up. I don’t remember what brought me to your site, but once I found it I was hooked.

    Like

    1. Awww, thank you! That’s so sweet and I’m so glad I can cheer you up! (I’m sorry I didn’t reply until now, for some reason I didn’t get this notification when i got the rest.)

      Like

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