Housekeeping note: This may not be JP-related, but it was fun, and there’s not much news to report on at the moment anyway. Also, this is my last week at home before moving away to college, so there may be yet another break in posting while I adjust to this environment of terror and loud frat boys. When there’s more JW2 news, I’ll start updating on a consistent basis again. Thank you so much for your patience. It’s readers like you who have kept this blog going for so long, and I appreciate you.
Today, Rexy and I had an adventure! The same T. rex who consumed everything in sight in Italy came with me today to visit a mysterious monument called the Georgia Guidestones. We came just to explore, but in the end, we discovered a world-shaking secret that explained everything about a 30-year-old enigma.
For those of you who don’t know what the Guidestones are, it’s a granite monument constructed in the 80s by an anonymous man under the name R.C. Christian. It has ten commandments, in several world languages, instructing how to maintain humanity after a global crisis. (They hint strongly at eugenics and mass genocide, so maybe take them with a grain of salt.) It’s constructed with respects to astronomy– the center is supposed to to be the location of a “celestial pole”, etc. Conspiracy theorists and believers in New World Order-type shenanigans tend to think that the monument was built by Satanists, the Illuminati, or some combination of the two. It’s never been made entirely clear who’s responsible, but regardless, its construction is pretty clever.
The reason Rexy and I went today was because of a part of the monument that’s now missing. A few years ago, a cube was integrated with the slab that had the commandments in English; the cube’s four sides had 8-14-20-16 on them in that order. This has led more than a few people to think that it was a sinister prophecy for tomorrow, August 14th of 2016. Whether that means that the apocalypse is really coming tomorrow (how horrible would that be? We’d all die before we got to see a JW sequel) it was worth a visit to “American Stonehenge” to see for sure. Unfortunately, the cube was stolen not too long ago by a Guidestones superfan. These things happen.
Cube or no cube, it was still amazing:
And my curious little T. rex enjoyed it even more than I did! She started by reading the explanatory slab near the stones which, despite the fact that it was supposed to be all solemn and ominous, had multiple spelling and grammar errors and left an important sentence (when to dig up the time capsule buried under the stones) unfinished.
Then she moved on to see the rest of “the ten commandments of the Antichrist”.
Despite the nastiness of some of the other commandments, I thought this one had a pretty good point. It read like something from a Thoreau poem.
Rexy has always been really interested in aliens, especially because of the idea that they caused the extinction of her species. She wanted to visit the Guidestones because of her idea that extraterrestrial beings had written these commandments designed to wipe out 93% of the human species. So imagine her surprise when, in the gravel on the ground, someone had carved the symbol of the sphere from Independence Day: Resurgence.
No sooner had she started to wonder about its origin, when suddenly, a mysterious creature jumped down the celestial pole hole!
It was the leader of those responsible for the monument– the mastermind behind it all. Rexy was right all along. It was a malevolent alien queen!
The creature revealed its species’ evil plan to us. Tomorrow, they would invade the planet and pretend to show an aversion to the Guidestones and everything associated with them, making humanity think that following the stones’ commandments was somehow a way to beat them. Once only 50 million humans remained, and nature was left alone, the planet would be theirs for the taking!
Rexy, simultaneously terrified and roaring that she’d been right all along, ran away, but the alien reached out its tendrils and tried to grab her. Being a roadrunner from hell, Rexy was fast enough to get away from the telepathic monster for a while. But she couldn’t run forever, and she ended up nearly collapsing in front of the English stone. But right when she thought all hope was lost and the alien was preparing its tendrils for a good old fashioned Okun-ing, another strange visitor jumped through the center of the monument and held off the creature.
It was David Levinson, alien fighter and Earth-Space Defense director, here to save the day! Using his special training in anti-alien martial arts and his knowledge of their anatomy and weak spots, he delivered the smackdown before Rexy and I even knew what was happening.
With a battle cry of “LEAVE ROOM FOR NATURE!” David swiftly and thoroughly beat the intruder into the ground, averting an invasion and saving the earth once again. With the alien defeated, we could finally relax knowing that the earth wouldn’t be annihilated, and humanity was still free to slowly destroy this planet with deforestation and global warming as much as we pleased. But, as we prepared to leave, yet another visitor came from the sky!
I recognized this one as Ian Malcolm immediately, and while the chaotician from space said that I was right, he also said that he was far from the only Ian Malcolm in the galaxy. Rexy and I were shocked when the visitors revealed to us that they were, in fact, part of an alien race themselves!
They explained to us that they came from a peaceful planet, populated by an extraterrestrial race known as the Goldblums. These benevolent creatures, they said, have the ability to see into the future. Having discovered Earth and seeing a disaster in its future, they took pity on the human race and decided to give us instructions as to how to handle an enormous global crisis that wiped out a huge portion of the population. They couldn’t reveal to anyone what that disaster could be– it was against the strong moral code of their species– but they could give us hints as best they could. These beings knew that they would be rejected and feared if they revealed themselves to the general population of Earth now. After the catastrophe hit, however, they would come back and usher in the “age of reason” that the guidestones spoke of– a time of peace, enlightenment and widespread piano-playing, where no one would be under six feet tall or speak without a stutter.
This sounded ridiculous to me, but the two Goldblums showed us proof that they were behind the Guidestones, and that the other aliens were just mooching off their idea.
There was subtle but visible evidence that a Goldblum creator of the monument, a creature just like the Ian before me, had been there. There was a reason that he’d chosen “Christian” as a “pseudonyn” (Goldblums abide by different spelling rules):
It was all clear to Rexy and me now. The Guidestones weren’t left by any evil group or new world order– they were hints from a civilization far past ours, which just wanted to make things easier for us. We said goodbye to the Goldblums and, taking one last look at their handiwork, they grabbed each other and flew back into the sky to their home planet. Rexy and I watched them go, knowing that whether anyone would ever believe us about their existence, we would always have tall, stuttering men looking out for us.
Not a bad way to spend the planet’s last normal day, huh?