Tag Archives: Fanfic

Fanfic: The Care and Keeping of Stegoceratops

It’s been forever since I’ve written any fanfics, but here’s my latest offering! This was written as part of the Jeff July event on social media– a month-long celebration of Jeff Goldblum and all his characters. The character of Alice is Fourth Mrs. Malcolm‘s OC; I don’t own any of the other characters. Enjoy!

“Dr. Malcolm?” Bang bang bang. “Hey, I have a package here for Dr. Ian Malcolm, is he home?”

Sighing and leaning on his cane, Ian extricated himself from his armchair, walked through his apartment kitchenette, unlatched the door, and stepped out to see what the postman wanted. Looking at the ground, he raised his eyebrows in surprise; he’d expected the UPS guy to be there, but not the enormous crate on the ground next to him. “Just sign for it here and here, sir,” the postman said, handing him a clipboard with a few complex-looking forms attached to it. Ian looked through the papers– one of them said at the top, very prominently, BIOHAZARD INSPECTION– then at the shaking crate, then back at his guest.

“I’m not signing for this,” he said. “It’s– it’s not my order.”

“Forms say it is,” the guy said, taking the clipboard from Ian and consulting it. “Yep, Dr. Ian Malcolm, apartment 308. If you’ll just sign–”

Ian was more interested in the package, which was bumping from size to side and emitting some kind of muffled– was that a mooing noise? “I never ordered any animals. I’m sorry, but you, uh, have the wrong person. You’re gonna have to take this back.”

“We can’t take it back, Dr. Malcolm,” said the guy in the brown suit. He glanced at the crate and then at Ian, and made an amused snorting sound. “Trust me, I’m sure you’ll appreciate it.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

The guy was already backing up, heading to the elevator. “Look, I have another urgent delivery in the truck. You can call if you have any concerns, our number’s on, uh– on the UPS website. Don’t hesitate to let us know.”

“You can’t just drop this off and hold me responsible for–” The guy had already disappeared into the elevator, and by the time Ian started after him, the button had already dinged and the doors were already shutting. Ian sighed, ran his hand over his face, and then turned his attention to the crate that was now apparently under his care. He put his hands on either side of the bottom and strained to lift it, which greatly distressed whatever was inside; he immediately heard a loud and high-pitched yelping noise come from within. “All right, all right.” Instead of trying to lift the thing again, he settled for kneeling down and shoving the wooden box through his open door. The crate against the cement floor made an even less pleasant sound than the animal’s screech, but it only took three good shoves before his package was inside and he could finally shut the door.

Loudly exhaling, Ian got on his knees again and peered into the crate from one of the slits on the top. He didn’t see very much, but what he got a glimpse of was enough to make him lean back, massage his eyes with two fingers, and exhaustedly groan. He debated whether he should even bother opening it, but leaving the obviously easily distressed animal in its cage all night might have been noisier than it was worth. He found the three latches on the side of the crate’s door, undid them one by one, and then quickly moved back and out of the way. If this was what he thought it was, he didn’t want very much to do with it at all.

The crate door creaked open, and with another of those odd snuffling sounds, its inhabitant slowly emerged. First came its two forward-facing, prong-like horns, and then its oblong, beaked little face. Ian’s first thought was what did Levine call these bull-horned things? Nasutoceratops, and then I hate that I know that. And then: Wait, I thought it was a stegosaur? There were plates, I know there were plates.

After the little dinosaur, whatever it was, had poked its head out of its crate for long enough to glance around and determine whether Ian’s apartment was suitable, it took a few timid steps onto the carpet. Ian stared, too confused to even be angry. Why was this thing a combination of two different herbivores? This couldn’t have been a recently-discovered species, could it? Maybe he could call Richard Levine; if anyone had kept up with new dinosaur discoveries, it was him. But why was he concerned with identifying its species when the real concern was that there was a greyhound-sized dinosaur stomping around in his living room?

The answer, he suddenly realized, was the same one that usually came with all of his problems: InGen. He leaned into the crate– the animal, more confused than anything, paid him no mind– and rummaged around, trying to ignore the implications of digging around in the hay that lined the bottom of the box. Finally, attached to the back, his hand found a paper booklet stapled to the wood. He tore it free, sat outside the somewhat foul-smelling crate, and read the cover: Care and Keeping of Your Pygmy Stegoceratops. It showed a photo of a little girl, smiling and hugging a dinosaur that looked just like the tiny one that was currently poking at his coffee table with its steer horns.

Ian stood up and aggravatedly grumbled under his breath. For years he’d put all that effort into keeping InGen out of his life as much as possible, and now he apparently owned one of their little designer pets. Of course he knew about the enormous corporate empire that InGen had built with their blood money– how could he not, everyone did, they aired their cheery commercials for genetic abominations during every TV show imaginable. Despite InGen being incredibly prominent in the world and somehow still growing even more popular, Ian had managed to ward off its presence as much as he could. Apparently, though, he hadn’t earned complete peace from them quite yet.

He opened the first page of the booklet, and nestled between the headings “Congratulations on your ownership of a licensed InGen pygmy dinosaur pal!” and “How to get started” was a tiny envelope. An idea, and then a bolt of rage, struck Ian– were those InGen bastards bribing him? Had they sent him this– this monster for free and expected something out of it, like a free advertisement, or paparazzi photos of him walking the thing like a puppy? He tossed the booklet onto the coffee table and tore open the envelope. There was a brief, hand-written note inside, and to his slight relief, it didn’t have any genetic company logos stamped on it. It read:

Ian,

Thought you’d enjoy this. She’s just the right size for your place, right? Have fun with her, and don’t worry about buying any special food– she’ll eat just about any vegetable you feed her. I’ll drop by in a few days to see how you two are doing.

That was it– no signature, nothing. He threw it down on the table and was about to start reading the pamphlet when something bumped up against his bad leg. He started, and then looked down to see his little guest staring up at him with pleading, almost pitiful amber-colored eyes. He got back down onto his knees, wincing a little in pain, and took a closer look. It was definitely one of the genetically-engineered, smaller-than-life dinosaurs that were just one of the products of InGen’s new hybrid-based business model. He’d seen these pygmies before, mostly at pet stores and being walked around Austin by kids and families, but the others that he’s come across had all looked like miniaturized versions of existing dinosaurs. This one was a new species entirely– a Stegoceratops, the booklet had called it.

It looked almost like something a kid would design. Its body was forest green, and all the parts of its face had sandy-brown accents, as did the plates along its back. It definitely had the various horns that a Nasutoceratops would have, except when Ian ran his palm over their tips, none of them pricked him at all. Well, at least they’d safety-engineered it for kids, he could at least give InGen that. When the Stegoceratops creature felt his touch, it slowly blinked and then closed its eyes and held still, almost like a dog being petted. He made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat; he didn’t want the stumpy little thing to attack him, of course, but the way it acted so much like an attention-starved puppy just felt wrong.

He removed his hand and reached for the book again– it sure would be a blast to read the justification that had made Wu and his buddies come up with and mass-produce these things– when the dinosaur did something even more surprising: it reached out with its flat foot and batted lightly at his knee. He turned to see that it was staring expectantly at him with its large, cow-like eyes. He furrowed his brow and stroked the pebbled skin of its frill, and sure enough, the animal contentedly closed its eyes again. Huh. At least it was affectionate– that was better treatment than he’d come to expect from animals of its kind.

Absentmindedly petting the thing, he turned his attention to its care booklet and skimmed through the entire thing over the course of ten minutes. From what he could gather, it didn’t require much more special care than the average Pomeranian. All it needed was fresh vegetables to eat, a safe area to stay in, occasional walks, and “a great owner like you!” Well, there weren’t any plant products in the apartment that could be classified as anywhere near fresh, but he could handle the rest for a couple of days. “Don’t get used to the place,” he said sternly to the little Stegoceratops; it only stared back at him, looking more puppy-like by the minute. “You’re not staying here, you hear me?” With great effort, he got back onto his feet again and headed for his kitchenette. If someone thought this was a funny prank to pull on him, they could have their laughs– and their genetic mistake of a pet dinosaur– when they came to see him in a few days.

He opened the narrow refrigerator, leaned down and rummaged through one of the clear plastic drawers. His hand closed around a small apple; he pulled it out and poked it, finding that it was at least somewhat fresh. Closing the fridge door, he tossed it onto the ground, to the Stegoceratops that was standing and watching his every move. “Here, this is all I’ve got. I’ll see if I can stop by the grocery store later, but, uh, this is dinner for now, kiddo.” The weird little dinosaur-thing stared at the offering for a second, stuck its thick little tongue out to take a lick, and then pulled the entire fruit into its mouth and slowly chewed it up whole, little apple shavings falling to the floor from the sides of its beak. Ian shook his head and then made his way to his study. He had three dissertations to read through and no time to watch this weird animal that had finished its snack and was now ambling around his apartment, occasionally whacking the legs of furniture with the tiny thagomizer on the end of its tail. At least, he figured, if it was enough of a hassle to keep around, he had friends in the zoology department who’d be more than happy to take it off his hands.

***

When he’d finished reading through the first dissertation– Complexity Theory and the Behavior of Gallimimus in Captivity, no doubt some grad student’s excuse to go on multiple vacations to Jurassic World before the incident– Ian pulled his cell phone off the desk and dialed Kelly’s number. As always, it rang exactly twice, and then he heard the click and her voice: “Hey, Dad, what’s up?”

“Hi, honey, nothing much. Uh, hey, did you send me a dinosaur? ‘Cause it was nice of you, but–”

“Hold on, what?” The phone crackled as she adjusted it, and he heard her yell into the distance, “Hang on, I’ll be right back!” before turning her attention back to him. “Dad, what’s the matter? Is this a joke?”

“No, I’m serious. Did you send me one of those little—uh—InGen pygmies in the mail? The little pets?”

She paused. “Oh, that kind of dinosaur. Nah, I didn’t. Why, did you get one?”

“Somebody stuck me with one, and I’m—I’m glad to hear it wasn’t you, ‘cause I have a few serious words for whoever it was. Anyway… how’s it going? Doing well in training?”

She exhaled heavily. “You know, it’s going how it’s going. Trials are coming up, so I’m working like a dog.”

“I thought the trials weren’t for a few months?”

“How long have I been training? Two years? A few months is nothing.” She stopped, and he heard muffled shouting. “Gotta go, Dad, break’s over. Careful with the dinosaur, okay? I love you.”

“Love you too, honey,” and he hung up. He called his other two kids after that and received similar answers. Elizabeth was off in Orlando interviewing for a job at some zoo, and she let him know that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with dinosaurs– he couldn’t say he blamed her. Anna, who was in the middle of her first semester away at college, stressed that she couldn’t afford a pet for herself, let alone anything extravagant for her or anyone else. She knew just as well as he did that he was the reason she had no significant financial worries– a large portion of the money made from his book sales and many television interviews had gone towards paying her and Kelly’s tuition– but he still shook his head and wrote her a check for two hundred dollars.

With his three daughters ruled out, who else could the mystery dinosaur donor be? His colleagues at UT knew better than to play dinosaur-related pranks on him, or at least he sincerely hoped he did. His assistant Mike, though he joked around a lot with Ian and never seemed to want for money, probably did too. He only kept up occasional correspondence with Sarah, and this wasn’t the kind of thing Ellie would do. So that ruled out the most likely people to have done this; that meant it must have been one of his friends, someone he’d never suspected.

He’d have to make a few phone calls. First, however, he had to attend to a certain stegoceratops in the next room, which had its horns thoroughly embedded in the side of his couch.

***

The next day, sitting comfortably in a chair in a small office downtown, he asked his therapist, “You wouldn’t happen to have sent me any dinosaurs lately, would you?”

Alice gave him an amused look over her glasses. “What, a toy dinosaur, or a stuffed animal? Why on earth would I do that?”

Of the many counselors that Ian had met with over the years, Alice Sigrund was his particular favorite. A short brunette woman of thirty, she was one of the growing number of “paleo-social workers” who dealt with not only people, but dinosaurs and the connection between the two– a necessity in a world where an increasing number of people shared their jobs with hybrid dinosaurs. Because of her work with predatory dinosaurs like tyrannosaurs, and her knowledge of how time with– and attacks from– them could affect people, she’d been able to understand Ian’s trauma better than many other counselors, and could much better help him work through his many issues regarding them. She’d greatly helped him overcome most of his dinosaur-related fears, and she knew him just as well as any close friend in his life. He found himself looking forward to weekly sessions with her, even just for the chance to chat.

It didn’t hurt, too, that she was very pretty.

“No, like one of those bio-pet things.” He held out his hands to indicate its size. “Real ugly little thing. It’s like, ah, a hybrid– you know, one of those things for kids. Not too cuddly, you’d think they’d go for more of a teddy bear thing.”

“No, Ian, I can honestly say I didn’t buy you a dinosaur.”

“Are you sure? You can tell me. It–it could be like an exposure therapy thing. Letting it hang out with me for a while, letting me get attached to it. Perfect, uh, therapeutic crime.”

She shook her head and scribbled something onto the notepad in her hand. “Nice detective work, but no.”

“You’re writing “paranoid” on that paper there, aren’t you?” He leaned forward, smiling. “C’mon, let’s have a look. I know you’re getting to the dark recesses of my mind here.”

“Nope. Classified information. I have to know you better than you know yourself.” He playfully grabbed out for the little notebook, and she giggled and held it above her head, he sat back and grinned. “Nah, it’s not psychoanalyzing. You can read it if you want.”

“Nah, I’m good. Anyway… yeah, that’s about the extent of my problems this week. No nightmares or anything. Al-although I’m sure having one of the little buggers running around won’t help me keep that streak for long. I’m gonna sell the damn thing as soon as I can.”

Jotting more notes, Alice nodded. “Good. That’s excellent. You’re having a lot fewer nightmares lately.”

“I’ve had a lot fewer people in my face lately. I can’t believe it took ‘em three separate incidents to learn that I’m not interested in being a dinosaur disaster expert, but I’ve only gotten, um, a couple interview offers and everybody else knows better than to ask me about this whole hybrid trend. Maybe I’ll talk to some news networks when a corporate dinosaur finally mauls someone—maybe a book, make a million or so more, uh, pay for Anna’s grad degree.”

“Are you sure it’d be worth it? You’d draw a lot more attention.”

“Yeah, but I’d live. I’m old news. I’ll crank out a few sound bites, people will ask each other why no one listened to me all along, and I’ll laugh my way to the bank.”

She smiled and shook her head. “You’ve got it made, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, well. It’s too predictable, but it’s a living.”

Alice flipped her notebook shut and put it on the floor beside her, and then leaned forward, resting her head in her palms, looking thoughtfully into his eyes. “Well, Ian, I have to say you’ve made a lot of progress.”

He licked his lips. “Why, thank you.”

“You’ve got a great handle on your problems, you’re not worried about the future or your mental health anymore. You’re nowhere as scared as you used to be. You’ve learned a lot about coping in the past few years. I mean, I’m not suggesting anything, but—it’s almost like you don’t need me anymore.”

“Wasn’t that the goal to begin with?”

She raised her eyebrows and said in a low, thoughtful voice, “Yeah, that was the goal, all right.” She exhaled loudly and stood up. “Well, hate to be a clock-watcher, but it looks like our time’s up.”

“If that clock on your wall isn’t lyin’ to me, our time was up fifteen minutes ago. Do your job right, Sigrund.”

She cracked a grin, mirroring his. “Don’t criticize my methods. See you next week?”

“See you next week,” he smiled, and as he opened her office door to leave, she reached out her arm to stop him, catching him before he walked out.

“Call me if anything goes wrong, okay, Ian?” He looked back; her expression was genuine. “If something happens with the dinosaur, if you can’t handle having it around, just call me. I’d be happy to take it off your hands. Or even if you just wanna talk about it—call. Anytime.”

“Absolutely,” he said softly, and noticed when he looked down that Alice had grabbed his hand when she stopped him, and she hadn’t let go. She followed his gaze and immediately pulled her hand back to her chest, looking more than a little embarrassed.

“Uh… see you.” She salvaged another grin, which Ian returned. He took one more good, long look at her before swinging the door open, waving goodbye and disappearing.
***

A flash of lightning outside the window lit up Ian’s apartment for an instant, and then a distant crash of thunder added to the already-unnerving sound of the downpour outside. Ian was never completely comfortable when it was raining outside, especially this hard, but it wasn’t as bad this time—no flashbacks, no need to blast the television so he could put himself anywhere besides that Explorer in front of that paddock. Branches of pain still shot through his leg, though; he had it propped up on the coffee table while he lounged on the couch, making phone calls.

Both of his paleontologist friends denied having sent him the stegoceratops. Richard Levine had scoffed at the idea; Ian should’ve known that he’d never have spent that much money on anyone other than himself anyway. Diego Rodriguez, a paleopathologist who was on a dig in Patagonia at the moment, angrily wondered out loud why the pygmies were created in the first place and advised Ian to get rid of his as soon as possible. Even his archaeologist friend Matt thought that keeping it would be a terrible idea. Ian was dialing Jodran the paleoartist when his phone rang and Alice’s speed dial number popped up on the screen. She almost never called him at home except when there was an emergency—was she okay? He answered immediately. “Hello?”

“Hi, Ian!” He was relieved to hear that she sounded cheerful. “Just wanted to check in and see how everything was going.”

“Uh—everything’s fine. Why do you ask, ‘cause of the storm?”

“No, no, because of the dinosaur. Is everything okay with it? Do you want me to drop by and take it?”

He exhaled heavily. “Believe me, I wouldn’t wish this thing on you. All—all it does is follow me around all day and eat more lettuce than a herd of rabbits. I wish whoever gave it to me would take it back to that godforsaken island already.”

She made a sympathetic sound. “I can take it to a shelter or something.”

“Nah, I’ll deal with it. Should just be for a few days. I wanted to start buying more vegetables anyway.”

“Well, that’s good to hear.” He heard her pause and move around a little, and he could clearly picture how she must have looked, at home in her pajamas with her hair down and around her shoulders instead of in its usual ponytail, sprawled across the loveseat in her apartment. He’d never been to where she lived, but he could imagine it well enough— a place as clean-cut and organized as she was, the furniture in dark colors just like the clothes she always wore to their sessions. Thinking about being there with Alice and chatting or just enjoying each other’s company, instead of being stuck in this place with an irritating leg and an even more irritating animal, helped him relax in spite of the rain sounds outside. “How long do you think you’ll have to keep it?”

“If it’s here more than a week, it’ll be the very first member of Austin’s feral dinosaur population.”

She giggled, and he broke into a grin despite himself. “So have you named it?”

“Yes, I have. It’s called Pest.”

“Oh, come on, give it a real name! You can’t just stand there all week like, “here, dinosaur, dinosaur!””

“All right, if you insist.” He leaned back, head resting on the back of the couch, and caught sight of the white flowers on his neighbor’s terrace through the corner of his eye. “It’s, uh—Lily.”

“Oh, how cute! That’s adorable, Ian, is it really a girl?”

“Probably. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make it a little bow for its horns.”

“That is so adorable.” She paused again. “Well… I should let you go. I was just thinking about you, wanted to make sure everything is okay. Are you sure I can’t help? I could stop by your place if you need someone to play with it for a little bit.”

He would’ve liked nothing more than to invite her over, but stopped himself; that wouldn’t have been professional. “Sweet of you, but no, thanks.”

“All right, I’ll see you on Monday, then.” He said goodbye, and when she hung up, he dialed Jodran and got only a recorded message. He reached for one of the books under his coffee table, mentally replaying Alice’s laugh and the excited tone in her voice, when an enormous crack of thunder came from outside and a panicked moooo came from the kitchen. The little stegoceratops, which had previously been in the kitchen taking a nap next to its food bowl, came running into the living room on its stubby little legs. It came galloping over to the couch and attempted to jump up next to Ian; when it failed, it stood in front of him, looking up at him imploringly and whacking its tail against the carpet.

“Nope,” he told Lily firmly. “You’re not ruining any more of my furniture.” It didn’t get the message. As if to demonstrate its urgency, it ran out into the open area of the living room, butted at the front door with its frill, and then came back to the couch to wordlessly plead him again. He opened his book and tried his best to ignore the big cow eyes staring at him and the somewhat high-pitched lowing sounds. He was almost sure that the annoying thing would leave him alone when he heard another thunderbolt, this one alarmingly close to the building. Lily reacted to it just like it had to the last one, mooing loudly in terror and thumping against the ground with its heavy, spiked tail.

When he looked away from his book and saw the animal on the ground, butting at the couch and shaking with fear, he sighed and picked it up by the stomach. He placed it on the couch next to him and expected that to be the end of the matter— he had no intention of getting cuddly with the thing, but this was better than it freaking out all night—but Lily grunted and clambered across his legs, plopping itself down onto his lap. It seemed content despite his lack of attention, propping its beak up on the armrest and closing its eyes. Ian sat and just stared for a minute or two. There was a smaller thunderbolt from further away, and Lily shivered, her tail thumping in agitation, but settled down quickly enough.

He grudgingly began to run his hand along its side, petting around its plates and making it yawn contentedly. “Yeah, I don’t like storms, either.”

***

Matheus, one of the grad students he’d personally chosen to advise during the year, had obviously given everything he had to impress Ian. Most of the kids in his graduating group had barely even begun their master’s theses yet, but Matheus’ was half-done and incredibly well-researched, with three full pages of diagrams and a bibliography almost as long as the paper itself. He had nothing to worry about, yet he fidgeted in his chair as Ian skimmed over the papers in his hand, looking like he thought the frame-covered walls of Ian’s office were about to close in on him.

“I gotta say,” Ian said as he closed the little packet of papers and slid it across his desk, “this is excellent. I’m—I’m really impressed.”

The thin, dark-haired, much younger man in front of him kept his hands in his lap and his legs close together, as if he was trying to compress himself and vanish, but perked up. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. You’ve got some really great work done so far. Where, uh, are you gonna do your independent research?

“Neurology department at St. David’s. Working closely with the MRI machines.” His thesis paper would be about variations in brain waves after trauma; Ian couldn’t help much with the neurological component, but considering that the topic was being researched and analyzed through the lens of chaos theory, his advising would be quite useful.

“Good, good. Have you, uh, set up appointments with anyone there? Made sure they’ll let you do your thing?”

“Absolutely. Made the calls as soon as I decided on my topic. I’m going in on the twentieth.”

Ian licked his lips and moved his swivel chair closer to the edge of his desk. “Well, keep doin’ what you’re doin’. I’m proud of you, I—I knew you wouldn’t disappoint.”

Matheus still had that deer-in-the-headlights look in his eyes, but he beamed. “Thanks, Dr. Malcolm! Oh God, you don’t know how worried I was.”

“Y’know, I think I got a clue. Don’t worry so much, Matheus, you’re gonna do great. Hell, maybe you’ll have my job someday.”

“Maybe,” he said, sounding not at all convinced, and then, “What’s in your lap?”

“In my lap? Oh, yeah.” He glanced down at Lily, who was curled up into a little ball of dinosaur and contentedly napping on his lap. “Surprised you didn’t notice earlier. C’mon, Lily, time to meet someone.” He rolled his chair out from behind his desk and gently shook the little animal awake; she raised her head, blinked at him with her cow eyes, and swung out her tail. “Go ahead and pet her, she’s never met a stranger.”

Lily’s eyes drifted closed as Matheus rubbed three fingers along her back. “Wow, I’m surprised you got one of these. I thought you hated them.”

“You have no idea how many times I’ve heard that today,” Ian sighed.

The other man went immediately back into high alert. “Oh, I’m sorry!”

“No, no, don’t worry. It’s—it’s a valid question. I didn’t buy her, someone else got her for me. Wouldn’t have been you, would it?”

“Nah, not me.” Lily lay her head back down on Ian’s knee, making that deep, happy sound that seemed to serve the same purpose as a cat’s purr. “I’m surprised they let you take it to the office.”

“Well, she’s not disturbing anybody, and she gets separation anxiety way too easily. I’d rather have her sit with me than tear up my furniture and get me noise complaints with her mooing.”

“I kinda want one for myself, honestly. Even just for the fun of it. Everyone wants their own pet T. rex, right?”

Instead of what had actually sprung to mind, Ian said simply, “I bet you do.”

Matheus smiled, withdrew his hand and stood up. “Well, thanks for meeting with me, Dr. Malcolm. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem at all. You—you want this paper back or can I keep it?”

“You can keep it.”

“Thanks again. I’ll call you to set up another meeting next month.” The young man flashed him a much easier smile.

“All right, take care,” Ian called as Matheus disappeared out the door. He sighed and asked the snoozing dinosaur sitting on him, “I think that went well, how about you?” She snuffled in her sleep, and he rolled his way back behind his desk, pulling his cell phone out from his pocket. The disturbance awoke Lily again, and when she mooed in annoyance, Ian calmed her with a few scratches behind her frill while he tapped Alice’s contact number. The phone rang once, and when he heard the secretary’s greeting, he said, “Can you put me through to Alice, please?”

He heard the tinny ring again, and then Alice’s voice. “Alice Sigrund, may I ask who’s calling?”

Ian leaned back in his chair and exhaled hard, as if that would expel all the jitters from deep in his chest. “Yeah, hi, it’s Ian.”

He could almost hear her jumping to sit up straight. “Oh, Ian, hi! How’s everything going? Is there a problem with Lily?”

“Nope, no problem. She’s here with me, she’s doing fine.”

“Oh, good, that’s great.”

The phone crackled during the long few seconds of silence that followed. Ian cleared his throat. “I, uh, have a request.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“I’d like to withdraw myself as a client, if you don’t mind.”

Another few seconds of heavy quiet. “I… Ian, what? I don’t understand, why so sudden? Is it something I—”

“No, no problem, none at all. The, uh, opposite, actually. Remember what you said a few days ago? About not needing your services, making progress?”

“Yes, but—”

“You were totally right. I completely appreciate what you’ve done for me, Alice. It’s been amazing working with you, but—but you were right. I’ve made enormous progress thanks to you, and counseling just isn’t something that’s essential anymore.”

She paused. “Well—if that’s how you feel. I can’t say I disagree. It’s just, I, um…” He heard her exhale heavily. “All right. I’ll let the office know.”

“Great. Now that that’s settled, and we’re not compelled to be, er, professional anymore. I was wondering—are you available this Saturday?”

Another pause. “Yes, why?”

He tried to keep his voice casual as he asked, “How does dinner at Truluck’s sound? My treat. You can keep psychoanalyzing me, just over salmon this time.”

“Okay!” she answered immediately, her voice noticeably higher. “I mean, yeah, absolutely. Just call me. Call me whenever.” He could clearly picture her, bolting to sit up straight, eyes wide and face flushing like she always got when she was excited, and he smiled.

“All right, it’s a date, then.”

“It’s a date,” she parroted, the disbelief and joy still apparent in her voice. “Talk to you later, I guess.”

“I’ll call you,” he promised, and hung up. “How about that. It actually worked out,” he said to Lily, who had woken up and was nudging at his stomach with her horns. “Ow, ow, c’mon,” he said, petting her right side to placate her. “You better not bug Alice for attention like that. You’re gonna be seeing her a lot, so you better be nice.” She leaned back against his touch, closing her eyes contentedly and making that happy little half-moo, and nudged her spiky little frill against his stomach again. “Spoiled,” he chided, giving her the scratches behind her frill that she was demanding. But he couldn’t force himself to be genuinely annoyed. All afternoon as he worked, he gave in to the little dinosaur’s demands, because all he could think about when he petted Lily now was how happy Alice would be to get to play with her if she came back to his apartment after their date.

***

Alan Grant’s GPS took him on a wild goose chase all around Austin before he finally found Ian’s apartment complex. He’d visited once or twice before, but that was several years ago, and he only had a faint recollection of what the place looked like and how to get around it. He asked the lady at the front desk what Ian’s number was, took the elevator to the third floor, and scanned the rows of identical doors until he found number 322. He rang the doorbell once, twice, three times, and waited patiently before trying the door handle. He knew Ian was there; even after several years, he still remembered the distinctive red convertible that the chaotician was so proud of and that had been out in the parking lot when Alan arrived.

Surprisingly, the door was left unlocked, and he rang the doorbell two more times before slowly and carefully twisting the handle. “Ian?” he called, peeking into the apartment. Memories of his last visit returned to him as he looked around; the place was just as minimalistically elegant and book-stuffed as always. “Ian? Are you home?” He cracked the door just a bit further. When he turned his head all the way to the right and caught sight of the couch, he grinned from ear to ear and quietly shut the door. He’d come back in a little while—he didn’t want to wake Ian up by breaking into his home.

But clearly the man was enjoying Alan’s gift. He was lying across the sofa, his head leaned back in slumber, and curled up on his lap was the little hybrid dinosaur that Alan had sent him. He would drop in later—for now, it was best to just let Ian spend time with Alan’s first surprise, which he quite obviously loved.

An Interview With Fourth Mrs. Malcolm

Welcome back to my series of interviews with Jurassic Park fanfiction authors! Today I got the pleasure of speaking with Fourth Mrs. Malcolm, writer, blogger and aficionado of the JP character– well, you can guess. She’s the author of a lovely series on Archive of our Own, and by far the most prolific and dedicated Ian Malcolm blogger I’ve ever seen.

Hello, Fourth Mrs. Malcolm. It’s great to be speaking with you. I’m a big fan of your work!

Thank you, RD, for the opportunity to visit your blog and chat about writing JP fanfiction. I love following you, and I absolutely adored the pictures from the birthday party you threw for your tiny Ians!

As evidenced by your name, social media presence and fanfiction work, you’re obviously Ian Malcolm’s biggest fan! What about Ian inspires you to write about him?


Well, I’ll get the obvious out of the way first: I have a huge crush on him 🙂  Aside from that, I have always been a fan of any science fiction that involves biology. For example, I love author Robin Cook (“Coma”, “Outbreak”). While medical thrillers are my first love, Crichton’s techno thrillers including “Disclosure”, “Airframe” and of course, “Jurassic Park” captivate me. It’s the combination of science and ethics. Ian stands out as the “voice of ethical reason” in both Jurassic Park the book and film.

 

Where do you get the inspiration for your work? 


My first story was inspired by another fanfiction that was posted on Archive of our Own. It was so well-written that it stayed with me for days after I read it, and eventually my thoughts began to turn into ideas for another story. This became the first of the “Alice” stories. (That story was “Chaos” by thedevilchicken on AO3).

For tumblr, I generally take screencaps of unique/interesting/cute pictures of Ian or that are JP-related from eBay or elsewhere online and repost them. I also like to reblog others’ posts and add comments.


What’s your opinion on the changes in Malcolm’s character between his two movies?


It’s understandable given what happened at Isla Nublar and how he was treated by InGen after speaking out about the incident. Ian’s character development is deeper than typically happens in techno thriller series (for example, the Laurie/Jack Stapleton arc developed by Robin Cook in his novels from the early 2000s to now). While part of me is sad to “lose” the Ian we met on Nublar, I also love it because it provides more depth to the Jurassic Park saga as well as giving fanfiction writers a good jumping off point for exploring his character.

 Ian is present in several Jurassic Park canons– the movies, the books, the comic books and several video games. Do you, in your mind, blend all of those canons to make up the same character– IE what he says and does in the books somehow happened “off camera” in the movies, etc– or do you have a particular favorite canon that you run with? Do you combine any two or three?

Interesting question. I would say I do a bit of blending, in other words I take into account the different aspects of his character that each canon illustrates. For example, we see the more cerebral, brooding aspect of his character in The Lost World than in the original Jurassic Park. While I prefer to write stories set in the world of the first film, I refer to his character development in other canons, and even other fanfictions, to give him depth and keep him in character.

How do you channel Ian’s voice in your writing– do you watch the movies, read other fanfics, etc. to “get into his head”? How well do you feel you’ve gotten his voice down?


I watch the movies on a regular basis, and I read other fanfictions and RPs on tumblr. I also participate in RPs and brainstorm story/scenario ideas with my beta reader, which really helps with getting to know his character.  I think I’ve gotten his voice down pretty well, but if I’m in doubt, I run my dialogue past my beta to make sure it passes muster.


You’ve written a romance series about Ian and your OC, Alice Sigrund. Tell us more about Alice. What’s she like? How does she fit into the JP universe?


The “When Ian Met Alice” series is a fluffy romance without much character development for Alice on purpose. OCs are controversial for many reasons in fanfic, and personally I can’t stand Mary Sues. I wanted Alice’s presence to make sense without being a rip off of either Ellie or Sara, which was admittedly difficult.

The concept of a “paleo social worker” was not at all fleshed out when I began writing. Both parts were finished and my beta asked “what exactly does a paleo social worker do?” Borrowing from the broad social work practice of building capacity for individuals and groups, a paleo social worker would study relationships and communication between humans and dinosaurs (and perhaps also dinosaurs and other species) with the goal of facilitating healthy relationships between all parties.

Though we are not present for their discussion when the party leaves the tour to check out the sick trike, Alice agrees with Ian that InGen scientists have not sufficiently considered the risks of reanimating creatures that have never before lived alongside man and animals.

 What’s the easiest part of writing for you? The hardest?


The easiest part is formulating the basic plot of the story/chapter, which, stereotypically, tends to come in a burst of inspiration. This is typically sparked by reading another fanfiction or tossing around ideas with my beta reader.

The most difficult part is balancing exposition and dialogue. I tend to write dialogue first, then try to flesh out the story by writing description and exposition around it. I mention the following because it’s germane to the discussion: I have a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (specifically Asperger’s Syndrome) and I “think in pictures” as described by Dr. Temple Grandin. In writing, this means that I picture every detail of the scene like a movie and then transcribe it to paper, almost like a screenplay. I also have weak Theory of Mind skills, which means I have trouble figuring out what others “see and don’t see”, so I rely on my beta to point out where I’ve missed explaining background information clearly. Detail is very important!


What’s your favorite part of the Jurassic Park franchise? (Movie, book, game, comic book, etc.)


Definitely the first movie. I also love the original John Williams soundtrack and the Lego game that came out this past summer. I want to read the comics and am currently trying to track them down without paying $50 shipping from across the border, haha.


What’s your favorite dinosaur of all time and why?


I admit that as a child in the early 90s I was more into “The Land Before Time” than JP. My favourite character was Cera the triceratops and subsequently I always answered “triceratops!” when asked this question as a kid. After renewing my love for JP in recent times, I have a new appreciation for Rexy (her eyes are so expressive in her scene in JP), the raptors in JP and JW (the raptor pack are so cute the way they communicate amongst themselves, other dinosaurs, and Owen) as well as dimorphodons.  The reason for the last is I thought the dimorphodons in JW were pteranodon/T. Rex hybrids until it was pointed out to me that they were actual historical dinosaurs. I still think they look like flying Rexys.


I understand that you’re an avid Jurassic Park toy collector. What’s your favorite JP toy of all time and why?


Can I name one in two different categories of toys? … Assuming that’s a yes:
1. JP Series II Ian Malcolm – of course! I’ve collected action figures and toys from many of my favourite fandoms going back to childhood, and this figure is one of the best I’ve ever seen. The designers truly captured Jeff Goldblum’s likeness and the outfit with the leather jacket is spot-on movie accurate. The two subsequent Ian toys that reused this head sculpt, TLW Ian Malcolm and Glider Pack with Ian Malcolm, are also fantastic for that same reason. I’m not even going to tell you how many of these Ian figures I’ve collected – it’s in the double digits – but sometimes I post pictures of the Ian family on my tumblr blog.

2. JP Series I Jungle Explorer – the iconic tour vehicle. I was lucky to get a complete one on eBay from a town about two hours from where I live, along with the rest of the Series I humans. They make for a fantastic display in my apartment and just looking at it makes me happy.


If someone offered you the chance to go to Jurassic World. would you take it? What would you be most excited to see there?


That would be awesome! I have vacation time coming up in the new year. I’d love to escape my cold city for Isla Nublar in February.

I would love to see the baby dinosaurs, they just melted my heart in the film. It would be like seeing Little Foot and Cera for real! While I would definitely check out all the attractions, I’d love to take a peek at the old Visitors’ Centre. Do you think they’ll have that on the tour?

What are your opinions on the upcoming fifth movie? Do you like the direction it may take, with hybrid dinosaurs and dinosaurs on the mainland?


I understand that many feel the next step may be armed dinosaurs, further developing Hoskins’ idea. If the franchise goes that route, I hope the tradition of questioning the ethics around bioengineering is maintained. I mean, it’s not hard to see how unleashing armed raptors on the world could bring about, uh, chaos.


Should Ian Malcolm come back for JP5, or do you think his arc in the movies has come to a satisfying end?


I enthusiastically join the chorus of fans who want to see him return in a cameo to the current trilogy! However, I am impressed that his book was given a cameo in JW – that’s more of Ian that I expected to see in the new film, considering that none of the original main cast appear.

Do you have any ideas for what you’d like to write next? Will you continue your series?

I’m glad you asked. Since publishing the Alice series I have been working on a few things with my beta/collaborator. I have read most of the Ian fanfictions that are out there and I assure you, we are working hard to create a new universe and it’s gonna be a wild ride. Alice will be back, and her sister Laura is part of the drama as well. We haven’t decided if it will be published in chapters or as a whole, but it will be posted on AO3.

Thanks for the interview, Fourth Mrs. Malcolm. It was a pleasure!

You’re welcome and thank you for the opportunity to talk JP and Ian with you. Hey, maybe we could collaborate some time in the future!

Break Time

Last week, I got a writing prompt in my comments section from the lovely Zoe, and I’m never one to turn down a story request! I have other things to show you– I received two amazing gifts from two spectacular people these past two weeks (The Angry Argentine, who sent me some beautiful JP Topps cards, and Mike Jenkins, who sent me an entire bundle of awesomeness) and I’d like to show them off. Until then, enjoy the story!

Saturday afternoon break time had finally come, and that meant it was time for Elizabeth Malcolm’s phone call with Dad. She had a few work obligations that could’ve used her attention even during break time, sure, but keeping in touch with her father was the necessary core of the thread that their relationship hung from. If she didn’t call Dad at least once a week, he’d either start to worry about her or get heartbroken that she’d forgotten him and that he’d screwed up as a parent—again. So on a blazing hot Saturday afternoon when Elizabeth had dust all over her clothes and possibly in her lungs, she dropped into a seat in the empty, bleak employee break room and hit the number four on speed dial.

As the phone let out its neat little ringing tones, Liz sighed and ran a hand through her thoroughly filthy brown hair, allowing herself to relax for the first time in what must have been weeks. With all the new additions to the zoo—call it the zoo, call it the zoo, she reminded herself—that were coming in every day, and the current animals causing one ruckus after another, it looked like the zookeepers weren’t catching any breaks anytime soon. Liz didn’t necessarily mind the workload. She’d signed up for it, after all, and it was the kind of job she’d dreamed about since she was a little kid and still had a stable and present set of parents. It barely even seemed real show—she would’ve pinched herself every morning if it weren’t guaranteed that her animals would give her plenty of minor injuries shortly into the day. When she had to work for months without vacation days or weekends, though, and when she couldn’t tell a single soul outside her workplace about the job she was so thrilled about, working had a tendency to wear her down a bit.

Halfway into the third ring, the phone crackled and a familiar voice said, “Hi, honey. How’s it going?”

“Hi, Dad. Exhausting is how it’s going, but I’m finally sitting down, so things are improving. How are you? How are your classes?” There were really no easy ways of keeping track of the passage of time in the isolated place where she worked, but she’d heard from a coworker with a teenage child that the school season was starting up again. Considering that she was fresh out of grad school, it had almost seemed surreal. Had it really only taken a year for her life to change so much?

“Oh, they’re fine. They—they started last week. You oughta be proud of me, I’m attracting actual mathematicians now. Not tourists.” She noted his tone of voice when he mentioned the “tourists” who only took his college classes for the chance to hear dinosaur horror stories, and was relieved at the easy tone that implied she wouldn’t be listening to that particular rant today. “But let’s not talk about me, I’m, uh, a dowdy old professor. How’s work for you? Is it gettin’ any easier these days?”

“Oh, it’s fine.” She sighed heavily.

“That didn’t sound fine. You know, you could always talk to your bosses, asking you to work nonstop for that long has to—to be violating some kinda—”

“No, no, Dad, it’s okay,” Liz said quickly. It was always nice to see him displaying genuine concern for her—or, hell, making an effort to connect with her at all— but letting him get overprotective was a cycle that would’ve ended in a far less sweet and more annoying way. She was twenty-five and regardless of how sweet it was, the helicopter-parent stage had arrived far too late. “If you were here to watch the babies hatching every day, you wouldn’t want time off either. I wish you could see ‘em, Dad, it’s like a miracle.”

“Babies hatching?” Ian repeated. “Are you working with the aviary section now, too? Or are rhinos hatching from, ah, eggs these days? Science has gone too far.” He chuckled a little.

She smiled and mentally kicked herself. “Nah, I just head over to watch the ostrich babies hatch and stuff. In the Cre—the aviary. The lab techs let us watch the little guys as long as we don’t touch.”

“Does sound cute,” he said, and there was a momentary pause. “How’s Ralph doin’?”

“He’s doing great!” she said, sitting up straight with excitement. “Yeah, he made friends with a couple other babies, he might be part of one of the little herds they form. And you should see how much he eats now. He’s almost the same size as all the others. I told ‘em he wouldn’t be a preemie forever, didn’t I? I told you I told them.”

“You sure did,” he said, and she could hear him grinning through the phone. “No more bottle-feeding?”

“Nope, he’s eating solid leaves like a champ.”

“Good for him. I—I always thought rhinos just ate grass. Shows you how much I know.”

“It’s okay, you know how much I know about algebra.” She leaned back in her chair. “How’s Kelly?”

“Oh, oh, I forgot to tell you,” he said immediately. “She made it to state championships, isn’t that great?”

“Really? In what?”

“Uneven bars, and she’s the runner-up if the rhythmics girl from—from her county can’t make it. I’m gonna go watch her, I’ll take you if you want. She’d be thrilled to see her big sis there.”

With a pang, Liz remembered the excited phone calls from her little half-sister from several weeks ago, and how she hadn’t called back to check how Kelly had done in the competition she’d so anticipated. “I… I don’t know if I can go. It’s crunch time at work, and you know how it is when you’re working with the younger animals—one day when you’re not there and anything can go wrong, and then—”

“No, no, I understand,” he cut her off. “You gotta do what you gotta do, I get it. I’ll tell her you couldn’t make it but you send your love.”

“I just wish I could be there, I wish I didn’t have to let her down—”

“I know,” Ian said, and there was a raw edge to his voice that made Liz quiet down and listen. “I know that, honey, but sometimes there’s stuff that makes you—makes you miss out on a lot, and it just—it makes you regret so much, but it’s unavoidable.” He stopped for a moment and cleared his throat. “Anyway. Just shoot her a phone call and tell her congratulations. She’ll get the message.”

“All right, I will.” She glanced up at the break room clock. “Listen, Dad, I gotta go. It’s almost time for horn trimming, these little guys are growing like weeds.”

“Sure, sure,” he said. “Maybe shoot me a text tonight? I miss you, honey.”

“Miss you too, Dad,” she said, pushing her chair aside and rising to her feet. “I’ll call you again later, okay? Love ya.”

“I love you too, Liz. Talk to you later.”

“’Bye.” She swiped the red icon on her phone and pocketed it, striding out the door of the break room and back outside to the dusty enclosure that housed her charges. Her coworkers, all of whom were as filthy, sweaty and sun-tanned as she was, were milling about with the baby animals; when one of them, Grace, noticed that Liz’s break was over, she ran for dear life to the shed that housed the break room. Thankfully, no scuffles seemed to have broken out while she was gone. The baby stegos and trikes, it seemed, had finally learned to stop harassing the little gallis that always darted underfoot, at least for the time being. Every other keeper seemed to have things under control, so Liz knelt down on the ground when she saw Ralph plodding her way.

“Hi there, Ralph!” she said in her high-pitched animal-trainer voice. “How’s it going, big guy?” The tiny triceratops came right over to her and nuzzled her hand, shoving his bony little horns and scales into her palm as she scratched behind his frill. He made his way up onto her lap, and Liz let him stay there for a long time as the day wore on and the inhabitants of the Gentle Giants Petting Zoo roamed around her.

Fanfics You Should Be Reading #10

Welcome to Fanfics You Should Be Reading, where I show you the fanfics that have recently given me heart palpitations! Let me tell you, this was not an easy one to write. Since literally three hours after Jurassic World came out, there’s been– just as I predicted– an enormous flood of fanfiction about not only JW, but all of the movies. There seems to have been a resurgence in interest in the entire franchise, as evidenced by all of the fan art and fanfiction that’s showing up. (And all of the Tumblr roleplay blogs surfacing.) This is fantastic and I wish I could personally celebrate each and every one of these people’s contributions to the fan community, but there isn’t enough time, so I had to pick my favorite few pieces of writing that came out in the beginning of the past month. I’ll definitely do some more of these since there’s so much to cover; for now, I’m focusing on some of the first stuff published on Archive of our Own– which now hosts 22 full pages of JW fanfiction alone– since most of the stuff on Fanfiction.net is OC or reader shipping stuff and I personally have no interest in that. To narrow it down even further, I’m not going (for this one, at least) to review any of the beautifully-written but very short Owen/Claire romance stories, or any of the smut that I’m sure is beautifully-written but which is not in keeping with Jurassic Adventures’ PG rating.

#1– Life According to Blue by LadyKnightSkye

Summarization: Remember that baby-raptor scene we all pined for? If the movie had had an extra half-hour to spare and Trevorrow had decided to create something that would appeal to the “easily susceptible to baby-dinosaur heart attacks” demographic, this is what we would have gotten. It’s the story of Blue’s life from the day she’s born until after the events of the movie, and it gives us a full, endearing look into the mind of everyone’s favorite beta raptor.

Why you should be reading it: If the 657 kudos it has aren’t enough to convince you: Not only is it exceptionally written (it pulls off the raptor’s POV that I so admire when it’s done well) but it’s presented in exactly the way that Jurassic World would have presented it. Something about the writing makes it very, very easy to imagine the scenes playing out on the big screen, especially since the characters’ voices are written so well and the pacing is just as brisk as the film’s. Blue’s story is intermingled with Owen and Barry’s, which gives us looks into two great perspectives as well as exploring the way that Owen and his girls’ relationship develops. There are quite a few stories out there now about Owen raising the Raptor Squad from babies, and a lot of them are very good, but very few of them resounded with me the way that this one did. Plus, there’s this line– “Grrrrrrowwr, means “f*** you” in dinosaur.”

#2– A Strange Kind of Love by crowleyshouseplant

Summarization: Told partially in second-person, this is the story of what happens when Owen starts his job. He finds Robert Muldoon’s journal and learns about what happened to the last guy who tried to work with velociraptors. It takes a comparison that a lot of us have been making since we knew what Owen’s character was like and expands it into a one-shot.

Why you should be reading it: Modesty forbids me from comparing my story The Center Cannot Hold to this masterpiece, but it does have a very similar spirit and if you liked my Robert Muldoon story, you’ll definitely love crowleyshouseplant’s. It shows studies into both a side of Owen that we don’t often see explored– his less confident, more uncertain side– and into Robert’s journey through nearly the same situation as Owen. This tells the story of what Jurassic Park was like before the events of the first movie, which is often attempted but not so easy to pull off without being tedious, as well as ties what happened there into the events of this movie. This is a great read overall, and it has some of the most skilled, accurate characterization that I’ve ever read in stories for this franchise. I especially love how the author writes Hammond and Muldoon’s interactions.

#3– The Pack Survives by Whreflections

Summarization: This is a series of drabbles about Owen and his raptors. I know that sounds like half of the other stories in the archive, but trust me on this one. There are a couple of short stories about the park being started up again, one about Delta’s death (everyone seems to agree that it was Delta who got thrown and who possibly didn’t die; I guess nearly every single person in the fandom can’t be wrong, but it might not be possible to tell with 100% certainty until we get the Blu-Ray) and one about Blue’s death. All of them are well-written enough to be turned into complete stories, but they stand well on their own.

Why you should be reading it: This has good storytelling and everything, don’t get the impression that it doesn’t, but I love it so much because of its emotional value. You want feels? There are feels here. The author excellently captures Owen and his raptors’ relationship– and shows, with the contrast in Owen’s character in the Blue and Delta stories, how much it’s evolved– as well as his relationship with Claire. It’s sweet, heartbreaking and tearjerking, and it makes me want to ask an artist to draw a Raptor Squad memorial so I can feel even more.

That’s it for this week. Honorable mentions go to You’d Be Amazed How Much Baby Raptors Love Cuddling by awkwardCerberus (need I explain why?), Owen, Claire and the Land Mosasaurus by CJCroen1393 (his story A Patchwork Pack is better, but this one made me giggle so much that I couldn’t not share it; if you don’t watch a lot of Spongebob, though, you may not get it) and That Old Saw by khooliha (which has an intriguing concept and great writing, and which I swear I didn’t just mention because I love the idea of Malcolm with a cuddly, feathery baby raptor curled up on his lap). I love your work, guys! It makes me grip my computer monitor and weep!

Leathery Wings

Yes, I wrote a Jurassic World fanfic (I mean, another) but I’m not the only one by far. There has been an absolute flood of JW fanfiction in the past couple of days, and nearly all of it is really, really great. I have my work cut out for me in the next Fanfics You Should Be Reading. In general news, Chris Pratt says he’s already signed on for the next movie, and Jurassic World had the third-biggest opening weekend of all time. So congratulations, guys– we made our mark on history. We threw our money at the movie and our voices were heard. 

This is the sequel to Gentle Giants Petting Zoo, and it was written for CJCroen1393, who’s having his birthday today (I was wrong and it wasn’t yesterday, oops). Hope you enjoy it!

Really, feeding a baby triceratops is like feeding any other baby. Which means that they both completely refuse to eat when they’re supposed to.

“Come on, don’t you want just one bite?” Ian Malcolm offers the carrot to the little baby trike, holding it right under the animal’s nose. The trike doesn’t even glance down, continuing to stare blankly into Ian’s eyes like an oversized terrier. He tries to encourage the animal—one of the khaki-clad Gentle Giants Petting Zoo handlers told him earlier that carrots are their favorite treats—by snapping the vegetable into smaller pieces, but the baby chooses to nuzzle the back of his hand with its beak instead. Ian gives in, rubbing behind its frill like the handler said they liked, and the creature grunts with satisfaction and steps closer. “Yeah, I know the drill,” Ian says good-naturedly as the leathery baby shakes its head to get more scratches on its frill and rubs its cheek against his leg. “You’ll eat anytime except when I, ah, want you to, right?”

From a few feet away, little kids and tiny orthiniscian babies milling around her, Ian sees Sarah look up and give him a knowing smile. He gives her a sardonic look and returns his attention to the baby, which has nearly crawled up on his lap. He keeps scratching behind its frill and allows a little grin as he mumbles, “You’re just a big baby, huh? Don’t wanna eat your carrots just like any other kid?” It gives a soft snort in response, and though Ian would admittedly like to have it stick around, one of its handlers whistles and it perks up immediately. The trike jumps to its feet and bounds across the dusty, fenced-in enclosure on its stubby little legs, and Ian’s left to sit on the ground alone. After a moment, he takes the effort to get to his feet, shaking off the twinges in his left leg. That’s when he gets the first sign that something is wrong.

The first clue Ian gets is the bird’s unusual wings.

He glances up at the sky for a second, and his eyes just happen to focus in on a single bird, about fifty yards away from them. He stares at it idly, and begins to turn away when he notices a sudden strange quality about the animal. There’s something about it that’s distinctly un-birdlike.

“Honey, look,” he turns and says to Sarah nervously. “Look at that bird up there. There’s—there’s somethin’ weird about it.” His kneeling girlfriend, engrossed in a squirming baby apatosaur whose neck bones she’s trying to inspect, gives no response. “It’s engineered, Sarah. What did I tell you about—ah—they probably wouldn’t just stop at dinosaurs. Didn’t I tell you that?” The only answer he gets is the bob of Sarah’s curly red ponytail as she shakes her head.

“Wouldn’t just stop at dinosaurs,” he mutters to himself, staring back at the odd bird and squinting in the bright island sun. “Trying to repopulate their entire island ecosystem with their—their own brand of animals, the—” He stops suddenly when he sees the bird’s wings. There’s a strange translucent quality to them, the sun shining through both wings and illuminating them like stained-glass windows. “Sarah, look, the—the wings don’t have any feathers. What the hell kind of bird is that?”

“Ian, sit down and help hold this thing still for me,” she calls back.

The second clue he gets is the bird’s call.

The noise definitely comes from the strange animal circling in the sky; it’s as audible as the average hawk’s call, except it isn’t emanating from any kind of hawk. Ian immediately jumps a little when he hears it. There’s a strange undertone to it, something different about it that touches a nerve deep down in his mind. It sounds a bit like a crow’s warble and an eagle’s screech, mixed with a visceral, angry scream. “I know you heard that,” he says, turning back to Sarah and gesturing at the sky. “What does that sound like to you?”

Her response is to get up, stand face-to-face with him and matter-of-factly plop a squirming baby Gallimimus in his leather-jacketed arms. “Just stay in the moment, Ian,” she says, reaching forward to help as he struggles to keep the tiny animal from leaping to the ground. “We came here for a reason, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” he sighs as Sarah helps the baby find a stable footing on his arm. As she gently runs her fingers over its tiny scales, the little animal’s amber eyes meet Ian’s, and it gives a contented little chirp.

The third clue is the rest of the bird’s flock.

The baby galli starts to enjoy Sarah’s petting, bobbing its tiny head up and down and flapping its little arms like a young bird trying to fly. As he tries his best to be an unmoving perch, Ian glances back up at the sky and almost jumps. Where a minute ago the sky was clear and cloudless, now it’s half-covered in shadow. Tiny black dots have begun to fill the bright blue horizon, and the dark cloud they form begins to block out the sun and shadow the ground. Except it’s not so much a cloud as it is a swarm. And as they get closer, Ian sees that the dots are birds.

“Sarah.” Ian doesn’t bother to keep his other arm still as he points at the growing cloud. “Sarah. Look.”

Sarah takes one last look at the baby and sets it on the ground. It dashes away to join the herd of other little gallis, and Sarah rises again, brushes her hair out of her face and says in a distinct tone, “Remember what you said to your therapist about—”

“No, th-that’s not it. Look.” Sarah raises one eyebrow and turns her head to look where Ian’s pointing. The mass of flying animals has gotten much, much closer in the past few seconds and the weird calls are beginning to fill the air, along with distinctly leathery flapping sounds. Ian and Sarah see the birds’ faces about a second apart and react instantaneously.

“Oh God,” Sarah says before she begins to back up, waving her arms around and screaming, “Get out! Get out of the way!” Some of the kids follow her instructions and dash over to the protective arms of their parents, but others remain crouched on the ground and only give her quizzical looks.

“Everybody move!” Ian shouts at the top of his lungs, running around blindly and only thinking about getting these kids out of the way. A few little children stand still, petrified by his and Sarah’s screaming, but some of the older kids grab the younger kids’ wrists and drag them out of the petting zoo area. As more and more visitors look up to see what they’re running from, they let out piercing screams and practically trample one another to get to the exit. A few handlers try to usher the kids out of the area and keep them calm, some handlers almost run over the crowd trying to get out ahead of everyone else and a few stay behind, attempting to keep the dinosaurs under control. Their attempts are useless; the babies already know about the danger and have begun to run around in sheer terror, bleating and kicking up clouds of dust as they stampede around in their little herds and try to find an exit. In less than a minute, the entire area becomes a swirling, chaotic mess and only Ian and Sarah remain near the far end of the enclosure, making sure all of the kids are getting out and shouting that the crowd is blocking the exit. Everyone needs to get out, but they can’t pile up on each other, if they can wait just another second–

The fourth clue shows that the flock is most definitely not comprised of birds.

It happens all at once. One enormous pteranodon swoops in and reaches right for Sarah with its talons, and then every single one of them is right there in the petting zoo, flapping their gigantic wings and screeching in a big, leathery blur. There are larger ones and smaller ones, but Ian doesn’t think to look too close; there are just so many of them and they’re everywhere. A smaller one lands on his head in a burst of white-hot pain. He shouts and smacks it away when its claws start to dig into his scalp. He tries to turn around and make it back to the exit, but he can’t see a thing; he can’t even look two feet to the side and see where Sarah is, there are so many pteranodons around him that they seem to make up an undulating solid that fills every last bit of space. Blindly, little claws scratching everywhere and wings smacking his face with each second, Ian lunges forward and claws at the air with his hands, fighting to move forward.

It’s like running through an overgrown jungle that’s dense with elephant ears or trying to run underwater, but somehow Ian makes it through the swarm and feels a larger hand grabbing his. He gropes around a little more and when he feels shoulders and other people, he lets out a wordless yell and a couple of heads turn. He’s finally made it to the gate and there are other people here, although not many. All the children are gone, he notes with relief, but three or four adults are running around wildly, grabbing baby dinosaurs and shoving past him to get them out of the enclosure. A blonde woman in a khaki handler’s uniform bumps into him and, without warning, shoves him to the ground right before an enormous pteranodon swoops over them with its claws outstretched. “Get the babies!” the woman yells right into his ear.

“Kids okay?” he yells back.

“Kids are fine, but the babies don’t know where to go! Either help us or run!” She gets back up—she’s got a baby galli tight in her arms—and dashes off.

It doesn’t take long for Ian to get his priorities in order. “Sarah!” he roars, but she’s nowhere to be seen. “Sarah! Follow my voice! Sarah!” The pteranodon flock is partially dissipated but still there—they must have left when the little kids did. The reptiles seem to be focusing their attentions on the dinosaur babies now. Some of the bigger pteranodons are trying their damndest to grab up the baby apatosaurs; a few feet away, one pterosaur digs its claws into an apatosaur’s neck and tries to pull it up, but the little animal grunts and yanks itself away. Some, though, are more successful—a dimorphodon flies right in front of Ian’s face, carrying a screeching baby gallimimus. Without thinking, Ian smacks the reptile away and yanks the baby out of its grip, leaning over and dropping the little animal back on the ground before looking around wildly to find Sarah.

He hears her before he sees her. Around the middle of the enclosure, he can faintly hear Sarah yelling, “Hey!” above the still-persistent flapping of wings. She’s got something small tucked under her arm—probably another little galli—and she’s jogging over to where the biggest pteranodon in the whole flock is trying to lift something. Ian squints to see it better, and sure enough, the gigantic flying beast has a brown baby triceratops encased in its talons. The littler animal, a saddle still attached to its back, squirms and wails as the larger one strains to lift it. Sarah makes her way directly under the pteranodon’s long wingspan and pulls her free arm back.

“Sarah, no!” Ian yells when he sees what she’s about to do, but it’s too late. Dropping the baby galli under her arm, Sarah lets out an angry shout and punches one of the pterandon’s wings with every ounce of strength she has. Instead of letting go of its prey, the pteranodon screeches in surprise and attempts to bat her away, managing to whack her across the cheek and leave a bloody mark. She hisses and leans back to punch it again, but her form isn’t so good and her punch only has minimal impact. Ian swats another dimorphodon and decides, to hell with it. He runs with a slight limp over to the middle of the enclosure, where the pteranodon is still struggling with the baby and Sarah has begun trying to pull the trike out of the reptile’s grip. He’s just about to pull her out of the way when an earsplitting BANG rings through the air. Something dark clouds his vision and he nearly falls over; beside him, he’s vaguely aware of a high screech and something hitting the ground with a sickening thump.

He hears, “Over here, get outta there!” somewhere in the distance through the ringing in his ears. Sarah grabs his shoulder—he wipes his eyes with his sleeve and sees that she has something wriggly and scaly-looking in her arms—and insists, “Come on, Ian, come on.” She lets go and he blindly follows her through the pen, and when they head out of the gate he sees what they’re running to.

A sandy-haired man, wearing a leather vest and holding a still-smoking hunting rifle, is waiting for them on an ATV with the engine running; a red-haired woman in filthy white clothes clings to him. When she notices they’ve stopped, she shakes the man’s shoulder and says urgently, “Owen, why are we stopping?”

“I know these people,” Owen answers. “Claire, they can help us. That’s Ian Malcolm and Sarah, uh…”

“Sarah Harding?” The woman, Claire squints and looks at the both of them. “Are you Sarah Harding?”

“Yeah.” Sarah puts whatever she was carrying down and rushes Ian over to the ATV. “Thanks. You helping take care of this?”

“Yeah,” Owen answers. Looking around wildly to see where the rest of the pteranodon flock is headed, Ian notices a large, thin body lying where he was a minute ago and suddenly realizes what happened to the huge pterodactyl. The animal lies with dust swirling around it, blood oozing out of its chest, and Ian connects the sight with the gun in Owen’s hand.

“Look, you’ve done this before, right?” Claire asks. Her eyes are frenzied and she looks desperate. “Look, Owen’s helping ACU get these animals under control, but I have two of my nephews that I really, really need to find and if you could help him while I—”

“Whoa, you okay?” Owen cuts her off, staring at Ian.

“He’s fine,” Sarah answers for him, and Ian’s realization that blood from his claw-mark injuries must be the thick liquid getting into his eyes is immediately followed by a bewildering sheepishness. “What, are you just shooting all of them? Not trying to get them back in the aviary or anything?”

“We need to worry about fatalities first,” Claire says, her voice rising.

“I can help you,” Sarah insists. “Let me on, get me a tranquilizer gun or something. Do you have one? These animals don’t have to die.”

“Hop on,” Owen answers, moving forward on his seat. “Claire, give ‘em some room.” Claire moves closer to Owen, who digs around in a knapsack and produces a gray tranquilizer gun, thrusting it backward at Sarah. She climbs onto the seat behind Claire, grabbing the gun, and Ian instinctively follows, holding onto her waist. It takes them a few seconds to fit onto the limited amount of space, but they work it out, Ian and Sarah sitting sideways to fit better.

“Hang on, is that one all right?” Claire suddenly asks, looking to the ground beside Sarah’s feet.

Ian and Sarah see what she’s pointing out at the same time. Sarah lets out one of the sympathetic “Oh”s that usually indicate that they’ll soon be responsible for another animal if she gets her way, and she leans down and picks up, with great effort, the baby triceratops that she was just punching a giant pteranodon to save. The bulky creature wriggles its forelegs and squeals, and even Ian feels a pang in his heart when he notices the deep claw marks down its back and the obvious panic in its eyes.

Sarah cocks the tranquilizer gun and holds it up with one arm, and plunks the little trike across her and Ian’s lap with the other, protectively wrapping her arm over its back to hold it still. “Ready to go,” she says.

“Sarah—” Ian begins, moving the baby’s leg so it’s not so uncomfortable on his.

She looks up and gives him the raised-eyebrow look that simultaneously says that she’s thoroughly made up her mind and asks him if he really thinks it’s wise to question her judgment. “I’m not stopping at the animal hospital,” Owen says, looking back as he twists ATV’s handle and revs the engine.

“You don’t need to,” Sarah yells over the vehicle’s roar. “I’ll patch her up myself. Let’s go.” She grips the baby trike even harder, and it stills and nuzzles its little beak into her shirt. Ian notes this and sighs. At this rate, it’s distinctly possible that Sarah will want to take the little animal home with them.

“Ready?” Without waiting for an answer, Owen throttles the ATV forward and the four of them—well, five—speed off into Jurassic World.

Guest Post: Advice for the New Jurassic Park Fanfiction Writer

Jurassic World is coming out in less than two weeks (!!!!) and that means there’ll probably be a practical flood of new fanfiction authors looking to write for this franchise. I couldn’t be more excited! We’ll get to see a lot more awesome talent and read some great stories. That’s why I and returning guest star Lord Kristine (author of the Silliest JP Fanfiction Ever Written saga) teamed up to write some advice for new Jurassic Park fanfiction writers. This is more of a beginner’s course and isn’t quite catered to the more experienced, but we hope every JP writer can find something useful here. The first list is Kristine’s advice and the second is mine. Enjoy!

  1. You can make anything plausible, if you try hard enough

No matter how silly or out-there an idea may seem, there is always a way to make people care about it. Perhaps you need to address the issue as it stands. A character reacting to something utterly insane can bring realism to the story, so that once the initial shock is over, you can get down to the implications of the event. The alternative is showing no surprise from the character whatsoever. This is used in magic realism, and often has the effect of alienating the audience. Usually, these stories are not plot-driven, but rather, allegorical and speculative. For example, Kafka’s The Metamorphosis centers around a man who wakes up as a giant insect. This is played for laughs only briefly, and not in the way you’d expect. The character views his transformation as an inconvenience, and after the first segment of the story, it is treated with the utmost seriousness. This style isn’t for everyone, and if you’re looking to emulate a more traditional plot, make sure that the characters behave as you would in the same situation. Granted, it’s sometimes hard to imagine what you might do in a surreal environment (depending on how crazy you want to go), but if you can make the reader believe that the characters are reacting reasonably, they’ll most likely forget the oddness and become invested in how the character will get out of their pickle.

  1. Use real experiences

If there’s a part of your life that you feel would make a good story, stitch it into the plot where it fits. If you can replicate the emotions or tone of your experience, your story will seem more real. This isn’t to say that fabricated experiences are any less valid, but sometimes, you have to go with a more personal take on the subject matter.

  1. Don’t mix your metaphors

Nothing kills your story faster than a mixed message. If you decide that (for instance) grapes are a symbol of trust, don’t show two enemies handing each other grapes if the scene doesn’t call for it. While symbols and allegories are subjective to the reader, it helps if you know what you’re doing. On the other hand, you don’t want to get stuck on an unfitting metaphor either. If, during the writing process, you think up a better way to make your point, don’t be afraid to change things up a bit. Just make sure it doesn’t interfere with the continuity.

  1. Show, don’t tell

This may be a basic point, but it’s still so, so necessary. If you envision people rolling their eyes at your obvious exposition, it might be time to throw in a couple of subtleties.

  1. Words can change everything

Just like the famous punctuation joke about eating grandma, a single word can make all the difference. Is your character blinking or batting their eyelashes? Is your character turning away or turning around? Even the smallest details can provide insight as to what the characters’ motivations are. Don’t waste a good opportunity to give a little wink to the people who are paying attention.

  1. Don’t make your characters “filler”

Unlike film, where you can show a secondary character standing quietly in the background, writing is more explicit in its approach. To acknowledge the presence of a person, usually they have to speak, and if they speak, they must have something important to say. If you feel like a character has no reason to be in a particular place at a particular time, maybe you should find a reason for them to be there, or else remove them from the scene entirely.

  1. Do your research

Just what it sounds like. It doesn’t take long at all—you have the whole Internet at your fingertips.

  1. Don’t be preachy

If you’re trying to send a message through your text, don’t be blatant about it. If someone feels that an idea is being forced on them, they’re less likely to buy into it.

  1. Biblical allusions are trite

If you’re gonna reference something, have a point. This is especially true for the Bible. Too often, people forget that simply addressing a parallel symbol does not make it insightful. If you’re going to compare a character to Jesus, for instance, ask yourself why you need to. Are you going to focus on the sacrifice? If so, maybe you should consider using another example of this, from a different religious text, perhaps. There are probably too many biblical allusions in literature for most people’s taste, so why not try slipping in a reference to Pseudo-Apollodoris or other ancient authors? If you’re really set on using the Bible, however, you can most certainly find a lesser-known passage. Apples and sheep are good and dandy, but why not try flipping through an ancient book and picking a random metaphor? You could change the way people think about the passage.

  1. No matter what it is, it always has to mean something for the characters

Whether you’re writing an epic novel or a throwaway piece, make sure that you focus on your characters. Sadly, even the greatest stories will fail if their leads aren’t interesting. When you have a character that the audience can relate to, it makes it so much easier to get invested in the story. Therefore, no matter what your goal is, make sure every action is saying something about the character. This is especially true for extreme violence and erotica. While these aspects of a story are designed to appeal to a very specific part of the brain, that doesn’t mean it has to be trash. You have to ask yourself what this is saying about the character involved. Are they insecure, bloodthirsty, proud? The audience needs to know.

  1. Crazy is better than bland

If you ever worry that you’re making your characters into caricatures, don’t sweat it. It’s far more admirable to rely on old tropes than to have nothing of value. Exaggeration is a useful storytelling device, because it makes the characters more memorable.

  1. Don’t have your female lead be obnoxiously kicka**

Part of the charm of characters like Ellie Sattler and Sarah Harding is that they are awesome without having to resort to explicit kicka**ery. Ellie, for example, manages to be fierce in a situation of extreme adversity, but she also displays fear while entering said situation. She doesn’t go around whacking raptors with fancy swords just for the fun of it; she does what needs to be done, even if she has reservations. Too often, one will see a bada** female protagonist who tries too hard to be awesome. Showing a girl running around in black leather and dark glasses only makes them alienating to the readers who, for the most part, can’t understand how they manage to be so nonchalant about extreme situations. Real characters have fears, hopes, dreams, and flaws. Again going to the example of Ellie, she is interested in having children. This is seen as a female trait, and yet it doesn’t diminish her character’s respectability, because we are not viewing her in the context of her gender. Unless your story is trying to make a statement about gender identity, don’t bother shoving it in the reader’s face. Treat your characters as characters, not as political statements. This also applies to minority groups. It’s fine to address the issues, but don’t try to fight the dogma by being overtly opposed to it. I’ve often called this “making ‘fetch’ happen”. You shouldn’t try to make fetch happen. Let it ooze into society on its own. Whether it does or it doesn’t, you’ll at least preserve the integrity of your characters.

  1. Death scenes

A good death scene will follow a few simple guidelines. First, if it is a slow death, make sure it isn’t slow enough to break suspension of disbelief. If you’ve ever witnessed a real death (natural causes or other), you know that a person won’t exactly have an eloquent speech prepared. In fact, it is very much possible that they won’t be able to speak at all, depending on how brutally they’re injured. It’s fine to have them say a sweet little goodbye, but don’t make it sound too planned.

  1. Reincorporation is gold

If you can bring back something from earlier in a story, go for it! Just make sure that when you introduce this idea for the first time, you don’t make it obvious that it will come into play later. For example, if you show a character holding a gun for no reason, the audience is going to put the pieces together very quickly. If you have a conversation that serves more than one purpose, however, you can make it work. Using the example of the gun, one might have the gun-holder discussing how he is paranoid because of a tragic accident. His conversation partner could joke about carrying a gun, and the gun-holder could give an awkward reaction, proving that he is doing just that. You not only learn about the presence of the gun, but you also understand an aspect of the gun-holder’s character.

  1. Make sure your romancers have chemistry 

If two characters end up together simply because they are the leading pair, the audience is going to question it. Make sure to focus on their common interests, conflicting ideals, and quirks. If we understand why the characters find each other attractive, we are willing to root for them.

  1. OCs are characters, just like any other

Most Fanfiction tends to either glorify or shun OCs. Remember, an OC is neither a Mary Sue nor a useless background character. Treat them like the mains, and you may even forget that you made them up.

  1. Mary Sues

This is a fairly well-known trope, but here’s the gist of it, just to be clear: a Mary Sue is a character that, usually for the purposes of self-insert fantasy, is good at everything and is the most special, unique person in the world. There are some good Mary Sue litmus tests online if you’re worried about this, but don’t feel that having one or two Mary Sue traits is a bad thing. If a physical abnormality in your character is necessary for their development, go right ahead, but don’t make a super-hot-kicka**-brainiac goddess who knows kung fu and shoots laser beams out of her eyes [unless she has wings and is the grandchild of two gods :P].

  1. Boring words are not evil

Your third grade teacher lied to you. You are totally allowed to use words like “said”, “nice”, and “good”. It’s far better to have a million instances of “said” than a million instances of “exclaimed”. The latter sounds pretentious if you overuse it.

  1. Use the Oxford comma

Opinions vary on this, but it’s best just to bite the bullet and use it.

  1. If you have to break grammatical rules to get the message across, it’s okay

Creative punctuation. Preposition reordering. Sentence fragments. These are all fine, as long as you have a reason to use them. Sometimes, colloquialisms are the only route to take. It’s not good to have poor grammar, but the occasional sentence fragment can be quite effective. Trust me.

  1. Contractions are your friend

Have a healthy balance of “don’t” and “do not”. Neither one is practical for every situation, so try to vary your uses of each.

  1. If you’re adding in an OC, you’ll likely want to make him or her smart and likeable in largely the way the other main characters are, and that’s perfectly fine. However, the characters we know and love mostly all have Ph.Ds. They’re scientists. They’re smart and experienced, and they worked for their knowledge. Part of what makes them so realistically likeable is that they gained their knowledge and skills of deduction from years and years of work and life experience. That’s why audiences tend to dislike it so much when OCs are shoved in who are teenagers or in their twenties, but who just have a special talent or just know about dinosaurs/animals, and who are shown to be just as smart or smarter than the rest of the protagonists. Making your OC extra-precocious and on the same level as the other scientists without adequate justification is at least annoying and at most insulting. Don’t take the easy way out—no one, ever, will have more trouble relating to a smart and experienced twenty-nine-year-old than to a seventeen-year-old with intellect that just seems dumped on them.
  1. Stories from the raptors’ perspective will always get tons of reads, but it’s been done just enough that not many people will stick around unless you do something new with the idea. A lot of people write the raptor pack as if it were a warlike jungle tribe and that can be very interesting indeed, but there are lots of other possibilities to be explored. What if they were a lot more organized and militaristic? What if they were calm and docile animals whose trainers drove them to be angry and hostile, and now they have to cope with fear and a complete identity change? What if they’re more like a little band of sisters than a tribe?
  1. Stories from the perspectives of herbivores are woefully underdone. I would much prefer to read a story about what life is like for the Gallimimus flock or a lone ankylosaur trying to survive in the Restricted Zone than another one about a raptor pack. The herbivores’ narratives are largely about peaceful animals forced to work together with their families and constantly protect themselves or die; lots of people would jump at the chance to see that explored.
  1. If you plan to insert an OC into the storyline of any of the movies, especially the first, do so with great caution. A lot of (not all; this can and has been done well, though not frequently) writers tend to stick their OCs in the movies’ plot lines and rewrite the entire movies with them added in, and that gets very old very fast. Feel free to write this type of fanfic, but if you do, ask yourself a few questions first. We’ve seen this movie before—what can you do differently with your character in it that makes it more than a rehash of the plot with a little dialogue changed? Do you think people will want to read a long description of a movie they know by heart simply because your character is just so cool and they’re having a sweet budding romance with someone hot, so why wouldn’t that be interesting? (It probably isn’t.) If you feel confident enough to pull off a rewrite of the whole movie with your OC added, have you given readers enough time to genuinely like the new character and care what they have to offer?
  2. Almost every main human character is American and so they don’t talk too differently, but it’s still important to make their voices distinct. Keep in mind that Grant has lived in the Southwest for years and it’s seeped into his voice, but he’s still got strong New Zealand undertones; don’t be afraid to write his voice with just a tiny bit of British-like wording in it. Sattler is pretty Northern, and I might be mistaken but I think there’s a little Philadelphia in her voice as well as the obvious Montana. Malcolm lives and teaches largely in Austin, and Texas will trickle into anyone’s voice if they live there long enough, so you may want to give him a sprinkling of contractions and hints of Midwest dialect.
  1. If you’re writing about a human living among/ getting to know dinosaurs on either island, the animals will mostly have one of two reactions. If they’re older dinosaurs, carnivores will immediately think of any human as either a threat or easy food, no matter how young or good with animals said humans are. Herbivores may very well cower from them or act really defensively. (These get truer the closer to each movie that the story’s events take place.) If the dinosaurs are younger or have lived in the wild for a very, very long time, they’ll react to humans with a little curiosity at first, but carnivores will make up their minds very quickly about whether their new visitors are edible, and the verdict will more than likely be ‘yes’. Herbivores will probably act cautious around people and then completely ignore them. Either way, no fully-grown dinosaur will easily cooperate with strangers’ attempts to be the Dinosaur Whisperer.
  1. If you’re doing a post-Park story focused around the survivors, you can never do enough research on PTSD and how it varies between people. Some people with PTSD develop depression and some are fine; some are constantly upset by everyday reminders (like dinosaur documentaries) and some are triggered rarely if at all; some people deal with things by being fearful and others try their hardest to cover their troubles up, only letting their guard down when they’re alone. Keep each character’s personality in mind and try to see things from their perspective.
  1. Another woefully underdone (if not nonexistent) type of story is dinosaurs on the mainland. What would the world be like if InGen had succeeded and there were Jurassic Parks in Orlando, Tokyo, London, Paris, etc.? What if pygmy dinosaurs were manufactured and commonly kept as pets, like the first novel suggested? What if Biosyn actually did get a hold of InGen’s dinosaur recipe and started manufacturing dinosaurs after the fall of the first park—what would they do with the animals?
  1. Shipping stories can be a blast to read, but make sure to keep things realistic. Grant wouldn’t just run off with some girl (or guy) over the course of the weekend and risk losing Ellie, and she wouldn’t either. Malcolm or Nick van Owen would be pretty unlikely to be interested in a long-term relationship with someone they hooked up with on the island after everybody made it home, unless they had a really good reason to stick around.
  1. Don’t have Malcolm spout chaos-theory jargon unless you’ve done enough research to know roughly what you’re saying. For instance, it only takes a two-minute Wikipedia safari to know that a sentence like “I could’ve predicted that a Malcolm Effect would emerge from this strange attraction system” doesn’t make sense. Same with any other character and their area of expertise.
  1. It’s okay to have characters repeat quotes, but make sure you have the right context. Grant might use the exact wording he did when he gave his lecture at the beginning of JP3 when talking to a completely different crowd, but he wouldn’t quote himself verbatim for more than half a paragraph or so. Malcolm wouldn’t give his entire “so preoccupied with whether or not they could” speech word-for-word to someone, but he might use snippets of it.
  1. I don’t think there’s a single fan alive who doesn’t want to see feathery raptors in JP, but be careful when adding in scientifically-accurate dinosaurs. It’s totally plausible that wild raptors or carchardodontosaurs or whatever might have some feathers on them, but think long and hard whether adding feathers to the Raptor Squad or Rexy is worth doing a giant retcon/ setting up a whole alternate universe.
  1. Most importantly of all, have fun with it! Write about the characters you love and let your imagination run wild. This is a relatively small fandom and it doesn’t have a ton of fanfiction, so anything you could possibly write well, no matter how out-there, will be accepted with open arms.

 Happy writing!

Search Term Safari 2

In case you weren’t around for the previous one, welcome to Search Term Safari, where I take a look at some of the search terms that lead people here, answer any questions and toss off a few jokes. Yes, there is Jurassic World content to be covered, but it’s more of a Random News-type thing and I can’t access any of the videos on this browser anyway. But I can show you one thing. Mercedes-Benz’s new ad, which for some reason they made Twitter followers jump through hoops to unscramble:

mercedes-benz-jurassic-world-001-1

That car is about to either get utterly demolished or it’s about to blind I. rex with its glorious beams of consumerism and superb German manufacturing. Either way, it’s a sad day when a Jurassic Park dinosaur is reduced to a prop in a car ad. I hope some dinosaur freaking wrecks that thing in the movie. Someone better get chomped on through the undercarriage. Hey, wait a minute–

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Stop trying to steal her glory! LEAVE REXY ALONE!

Well, whatever, it’s a cool car ad. Buy Mercedes-Benz; at best you’ll look cool screaming at someone through the phone while you drive, at worst your death will be just a little more drawn-out. Das Beste oder Nichts.

Right, let’s see some search terms!

jurassic adventures of raptor dash

Searched 49 times. I feel loved. ❤

stegoceratops

So is this an established part of my repertoire or something? Whatever, fine, a personal brand’s a personal brand.

human raptor pack fanfiction.net

I would think a raptor pack made of humans would kinda defeat the purpose. However, if you’re looking for stories about a human joining a raptor pack, then yes. There is an overwhelming abundance of those stories on FF.net. And the great majority of them are written with the same intricacy and knowledge of what life is really like in the jungle as the novel Hatchet.

vcgytrewz@*:;

I typed this into Google and nothing came up. It is a term that doesn’t exist. Yet, someone somewhere typed this into a search engine and they miraculously came up with my blog. This can only be the work of destiny. Soul mate, are you out there?

owen grady baby velociraptor

owen grady and baby raptors

I like the way you think!

jurassic world spoilers owen and claire romance

It was recently leaked that they do the kissy-kissy at the end.

great white rudy dinosaur show

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Rudy

I will never, ever stop laughing at this comparison.

did the mosasaurs eat zara

In my opinion, yes, but it’s the subject of hot debate and a massive arm-removal conspiracy.

ian malcolm fanfic

jurassic park fanfiction sarah and ian

Got ’em right here! Got ’em by the armful! Get ’em while they’re hot!

hoo as dinosaurs fanfiction

index

owen grady x raptor fanfic

They do exist, but I don’t have nearly enough brain bleach on hand to link to any.

jurassic park fan fic staring ellie sattler

I don’t know of any fanfics centering around this subject, but I do have an extensive collection of photos of Ellie staring at things!

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jurassic-park-ellie-sattler

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jurassic park backpack, enter at your own risk

Backpacks are very hazardous. Make sure to take the adequate precautions before entering one.

“lord kristine” jurassic park

I’ve gotten about 12 different variations on this, totaling about 20 searches for “Lord Kristine Jurassic Park”. Kristine, you is famous!

littlewhat are the basted dinosaurs called in jurassic park

Huh. Well, the littlest dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are the compys; the word you may be looking for is “Littlefoot”; and sadly enough, you can, in a way, purchase a basted dinosaur:

turkey

what did carnotaurus eat

Everything. Up to and including Disney’s Animal Kingdom visitors.

DinosaurAK
Ah yes, the grinning figment of my nightmares.

mosasaurus mighty ruler of the sea

All right, a kindred spirit! Gimme five! All hail Mosasaur, ocean queen of the slaughter!

hammond implies that grant and sattler are visiting isla nublar for an enjoyable experience however the narrative implies that they are visiting the island… [Wordpress won’t show me the rest of the term, but it continues]

Every once in a while, I get kids whose English teachers assigned them the first JP novel to read and who care so little about the book/work that they just Google their assignment questions. I always wonder what they think when they type in questions like these and find all the Jurassic Park fan communities where people argue about arms in mouths and screech about Barbasol cans. Probably the way I did after I read Great Gatsby and found the Tumblrs.

ingen human-to-raptor mating

jurassic world xxx

NOPE, NO THANK YOU GOODBYE

playskool jurassic world mosasaurus

Instill a fear of the ocean and knowledge of their own mortality into your children from birth!

lego jurassic world gallimimus trap whear to buy it

Gamestop. Technically you have to preorder the Lego game to get it, but if you go in the late afternoon or at night, when the bored teenagers are manning the store, you may be able to persuade a worker to sell one to you without a preorder. (Or just wait 2 weeks and buy it for $5 from someone sketchy on Ebay.)

ian malcom grin

I gotcha, pal!

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iufshfs

in jurassic world idmonius rex lego can it hold people

I’m pretty sure, yes. I think one of the leaked prototypes from last August showed that it had that ability.

xenomorph snot

…I’m very sorry to say that I can’t help you.

jurassic park fanfiction trex romance

Once again, I typed this into Google and no such fanfics exist, but I hate to let down someone so excited about dinosaur stories. I’m here for you, fanfic friend!

All was quiet in the Tyrannosaurus Rex Kingdom. Rush hour had passed and the crowds had moved on to different, more exciting attractions; only a single, hunched-over figure remained in the hollow log that made up the viewing area. Dr. Grant, with many more lines on his face and worries in his head than the last time he’d come to this island, was sitting by himself on a bench and staring into the clearing ahead. He wanted so badly to believe that she would come back, that she would return for him, but he’d been there for two hours and there had been no sign of her at all. Alan closed his eyes and hung his head, despair finally taking over. If she wasn’t coming at all, maybe it was a message. Maybe she didn’t really want to see him again. Maybe her promise from so long ago was a lie.

Just as he slowly rose to leave, familiar vibrations began to shake the floorboards beneath him. He turned, hoping against hope that it was her, and he was rewarded with the sight of the most beautiful pair of dinosaur legs in the world stomping into the area before him. Alan leaned forward and grabbed a railing, putting his other hand over his heart. It was true, she was here– Rexy had come back for him.

Another moment passed, and then the hulking figure in front of the window ducked down. Rexy’s gorgeous face was suddenly in front of the window, not even a foot from him. “Alan?” she gasped, her toothy jaw hanging open.

“Rexy!” he cried, pressing his hand against the glass.

“But Alan, how did– how did you– I didn’t know you were here!” She blushed a little. “I didn’t think you’d ever come back for me.”

“Oh, Rexy, darling,” Grant said, grinning. “Did you really think I’d forget about you on this island? I would never leave you all alone.”

“Alan, I’ve missed you so much,” T. rex sniffed, big watery tears coming to her eyes. “After all we shared… these twenty years were so long, but it was all worth it to see you again.”

“They say true love never dies,” he said, putting both of his hands up against the glass and right next to her face. There was a momentary pause as they took a moment to stare deeply into each other’s eyes, saying everything that words never could. Alan broke the silence by pulling something out of his back pocket and holding it up for her to see. “I got you something.”

Rexy gasped again. “Oh, Alan, it’s a goat leg!” The tiny limb dripped with blood; after all this time, he’d even remembered how she liked her favorite snack cooked. “Thank you!” She thrust her head forward without thinking, needing to somehow nuzzle him without accidentally eating him. She forgot all about the glass– and then a miracle happened.

The glass window shattered. After all the times she’d bashed against it and tried to get free, right now was the time that the window flew open in a splash of thick glass shards. “Alan!” she shouted when the dust cleared. “Alan, are you all right?”

“Of course,” he reassured. “What’s a piece of glass in the eye if I can be with you, my dear?”

She looked him over to be sure her love was okay, and then Rexy finally realized something. The window was gone. There was nothing between her and Alan now– or her and the outside world. In one wide step, she carefully ducked and made her way into the viewing area, out of her enclosure. “I’m here!” she roared, and gently rubbed her snout against Alan’s cheek. “Oh, I’m so happy to be together again! I’m out of my pen and I’m here with you, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted!”

“Me too, Rexy. I am too,” Alan said. He reached out and grasped her neck muscles, pulling himself up her body until he was comfortably seated on her back. “I’m ready to go when you are. But first, I have something else…” From the same back pocket, he produced a beautiful flower crown woven from daisies and placed it on her head. “There you are. You’re as beautiful as ever. I love you, darling.”

“I love you too, Alan,” Rexy said, her eyes and heart glowing. “Now let’s go kill that stupid I. rex and destroy Jurassic World– together!”

Fanfics You Should be Reading #9

Welcome back to Fanfics You Should Be Reading! This edition is, shall we say, the calm before the storm; in just about a month, we’ll have a deluge of wonderful Jurassic World stories to read and review. Even better, the stories will be about a movie that’s actually been released! I for one can’t wait. I’m even working on a sequel to Gentle Giants Petting Zoo; that TV spot shot of the baby trike being attacked by the pterandon has made me want to rewrite the scene and add in Sarah protecting the babies and generally being a dinosaur mama bear.

Please keep in mind that, while I am shamelessly promoting my friends’ works, it’s not because I pander to people I like by showcasing their stories. I just happen to be friends with some very talented authors.

#1—Wild At Heart by Untherius: http://archiveofourown.org/works/2652572/chapters/5925977

Summarization: From the end of the first movie onward, Lex begins having strange memories from what could be a past life popping into her head. She has to contend with her new memories while she learns to cope with what happened on the island and must find out what’s really going on in her head. It’s hard to say what exactly this is. It’s a family story, a character study, a mystery—lots of things are going on here, and the different genres are blended beautifully.

Why you should be reading it: It immediately draws you in with a different and exciting take on the visitors’ center attack, and the lovely prose keeps you around long enough to get to the heartwarming family story with Lex and Tim. The premise is strange but just plausible enough to keep you guessing. In a way, it involves humans communicating/ living with dinosaurs, and that’s a very hard type of story to do well. Lots of people try to do it, but this one actually pulls it off and does a gripping job of it as well. You may notice that I’m gushing and using a lot of adjectives—that’s how I show how much I love it. Adjectives are how I express love. Read the story.

 #2—Through The Eyes of Monsters by CJCroen1393: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3588198/chapters/7912935

Summarization: The story of the first movie is retold from the perspectives of different dinosaurs. Again, dinosaur-perspective stories are pretty hard to nail, but this story really pulls it off.

Why you should be reading it: First of all, the prose is beautifully minimalistic; it tells so little but shows so much. The voices are distinctly animal-like, but they still have enough intelligence and variation between animals to make the dinos feel like individual characters. The style is also interesting—albeit with POV switches to clear things up, dialogue-only stories are always interesting to read (this one is more soliloquy-only, but it’s the same basic concept). It’s a quick read, but it’s still long enough to send chills down your spine. My personal favorite is the Dilophosaur bits. And if you happen to share the same fandoms I and CJCroen1393 do, you might enjoy ‘My Little Jurassic Park’ by the same author.

#3– The Adventures of Baby Stegoceratops by Lord Kristine: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11249339/1/The-Adventures-Of-Baby-Stegoceratops

Summarization: Written by the same author as the Silliest JP Fanfiction Ever Written series, this will absolutely murder you with cuteness. Baby Stegoceratops does stuff like take reluctant baths and get frightened by stuffed cows.

Why you should be reading it: You guys know about my baby dinosaur obsession, right? This story honed in on that obsession like a Soviet heat-seeking missile and once it found its target, it dove in and blew my heart to pieces. This is the absolute cutest thing you will ever read. Baby Stegoceratops (who’s Claire and Owen’s baby, making it even sweeter) is impossible not to love. Just look at this face:

Lily_zpsn6aortpj

I dunno, maybe I’m the only one in this corner of the Internet with such an all-consuming tiny dinosaur addiction, but even if you’re not on my level, you’ll love at least one of the four vignettes. My personal favorite is the one where she refuses to eat her little carrots. Owen makes funny faces at his little baby and Claire the stegoceratops hugs and nuzzes her and they’re a sweet little family. I think I need to go lie down for a minute.

Oh, and I might get around to reviewing the actual story one day, but I found a piece of gold on FF.net. It’s from the story Saving Grace by Shaylon Ashriel, and it has the best chapter index I’ve ever seen in my life:

werrt

‘Uhh You can’t Do That’, ‘I Uhhh Know About Dinosaurs Too’. Guys, why am I laughing? Why is this funny?

Further question: I just got a JW Allosaur figure from Walmart (if you haven’t gotten the figures yet, get them there– they’re like 20% cheaper). Anyone got name suggestions?

Fanfics You Should Be Reading #8

Welcome back to Fanfics You Should Be Reading! Today I’m going digging into the older Jurassic Park stories on Archive of our Own because not a lot of stories have been written recently and I feel bad for neglecting this blog. I’m a terrible blog-parent. Forgive me.

Most of these stories are really good but short, so I’m doing a couple more entries to make up for it.

#1. Trixie Seven by Innerbrat– http://archiveofourown.org/works/592410

Summarization: If you read the first novel, you know that the sick-triceratops scene in the movie involved a stegosaur in the book, and you know how that little plot arc was resolved. If you haven’t read it, though– no judgment, although you should, the book is gold– all you know about the sick-triceratops scene is what the movie showed, which didn’t include a resolution or explanation as to why the trike was sick. This story wraps up the scene and bridges a gap in Ellie’s part in the movie.

Why you should be reading it: I know a story that mainly just wraps up a minor plot arc doesn’t sound too exciting, but this is just short enough to get its point across and still be enjoyable. It’s written in a very similar style to the movie’s dialogue, making it nicely blend in with the source material, and the characters’ voices are done just right. I like how the triceratops’ name is Trixie, which is cute, but also connotates–

Trixie-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-31996651-894-894
To hate her or to hug her? That is the question.

#2. You in the Dormant Past by jazzfic– http://archiveofourown.org/works/297724

Summarization: Told in vignettes– and you all know how much I like that– this is a short story about Ellie’s life, mostly before the Park. There’s not much else to say about it, but click the link, you won’t regret it.

Why you should be reading it: This is told in a short and beautifully simple style that still manages to hurt you. Alan and Ellie had an undeniably emotional story together in the movies, and there’s a lot of ways that people have tried to retell their story and convey all the deep emotion in it, but I haven’t seen a lot that have shown it in a way quite like this. It always annoys me when people say the humans in these movies are one-dimensional or only there as dino bait, because stories like this emphasize and add to the very real character development in them.

#3. Fantasy by SG1SamFan– http://archiveofourown.org/works/389658

Summarization: An Alan and Ellie drabble (flash fiction, if you’re unfamiliar) set after the Park, that will tear your heart out.

Why you should be reading it: It’s beautifully written and it will tear your heart out.

#4. Objects of a Class by foolish_mortal– http://archiveofourown.org/works/230530

Summarization: This one’s a little longer. Billy Brennan goes to Dr. Grant’s university and begins working with him, programming computers and helping with his paleontology classes. It takes place mostly in college, but if it’s an AU I can’t tell.

Why you should be reading it: We don’t get a lot of stories about the doctors’ everyday lives in the colleges they teach at, which I actually love and wish there were more of. If you like those kinds of stories too, you’ll love this one. It’s excellently written and the character voices are done just right, and even if you aren’t invested in the story, you’ll at least enjoy the banter. And if you’re like me about Billy– ambivalent to annoyed with his character in general– this portrays him in a generally likeable way. I guess it made me realize why people in the fandom care so much about him, and if you already do, icing on the cake. The tags say this is an Alan/ Billy pairing story, but personally I think you’d have to read it pretty closely to get that impression.

#5. In All Things, Chaos by jazzfic– http://archiveofourown.org/works/195851

Summarization: In a little break from canon, Malcolm and Grant follow the sick triceratops (I’m probably gonna start calling her Trixie now whether I’m conscious of it or not) away from the field.

Why you should be reading it: Again, it’s all in the banter. These characters (all of them, but these two in particular) play off each other so well, and it’s always fun to read them throwing witty one-liners at each other. It concentrates solely on a happy aspect of Jurassic Park as well, which is pretty rare in stories about the main three characters– in AO3 in particular, there’s more trauma going on in the Jurassic Park archive than an ER ward. Basically, it’s short and fun and what’s not to like about that?

#6. RAR! by Merlin Missy– http://archiveofourown.org/works/300470

Summarization: And thus we save the best (at least in terms of uniqueness) for last. Velociraptor writes an advice column and answers questions from Liopleurodon, Malcolm (it’s a little unhealthy how much I love fanfics about him) and some sort of Titanic survivor, I guess. I can’t overanalyze this, it would be like cutting apart a stained-glass window to try to find out why it’s pretty. Just read it.

That’s all for today; I’ll have a little time over the weekend to try and breathe a little more life into this blog. I don’t like my absences either, but the closer we get to the movie (less than two months!) the more awesome stuff I’ll have to write about. As a side note, I absolutely encourage anyone with the urge to write Jurassic Park fanfiction to do so– the world will always need more– but if you plan to, then please don’t name it “Chaos Theory”. Going through older stories, I must have seen at least 20 stories with that name on one site alone. “Fractal Dynamics”, “Dragon Curve”, “Final Iteration”– please, anything but yet another “Chaos Theory”. Although that’s the name of a pretty long but good story on FF.net. Maybe I should review that next.

Band AU

This week on Jurassic Adventures– the Jurassic World news drought continues. Raptor gets cabin fever and a pretty nasty cold which is why she hasn’t posted a lot recently. Sorry, guys. 

Fair warning: this may be ridiculous.

A little while ago, I saw a fanfic prompt somewhere that involved an AU (alternate universe) in which characters from a fandom go to high school together and form a band there. Something possessed me to use this concept with Jurassic Park, and I wrote up an outline for a story in which the gang from the first movie were in a high school rock band together, which would eventually lead to the second movie’s cast being in a college band. I wrote that outline about three months ago and never did anything with it. But I still think it’s an interesting concept with at least a little potential, so I’m publishing the outline here in hopes that it doesn’t wither and die without ever seeing the sun. I may or may not get around to turning it into a story someday. In the meantime, I would actually love it if someone felt like writing it into a coherent story, because I know a lot of fanfic authors who’d do a great job of it. Anyway, here’s a story I’d like to see in some way or another, whether or not I’m the one who writes it.

(Note: I’m not sure about the time period involved here and I didn’t do a lot of research. Let’s say early 80s and please forgive any inaccuracies.) 

  • Alan and Ellie start dating freshman year of high school and make friends with Ian when they all stay after school to do experiments in the school’s lab on the same day
  • The three of them hang out with the ‘nerd’ group at school for a little bit, but it isn’t really their style (the other kids aren’t as deep into biology and math as they are). They hang out as a group of three for a while, and one day they see a lonely new transfer student from England hanging out by himself in the cafeteria. That’s when they meet Robert
  • They talk about making music, but it isn’t until they’re sophomores that they really start talking about forming a band
  • They argue a little over the name and eventually settle on ‘K-T Boundary’—much to Robert’s dismay, since he wanted to call the band ‘Midnight Mauling’
  • Ellie sings, Ian does guitar, Alan plays bass, Robert plays drums
  • They have to play in Alan’s garage even though it’s all dusty and full of bones, because Ian’s is filled with computers and dangerous chemicals, Robert does taxidermy in his and Ellie’s is basically a big indoor garden
  • Ian wants to play hard rock, Ellie wants to sing weird indie music, Robert wants to play British rock (mostly Pink Floyd covers) and Alan wants to make Western and cowboy music. They try to do songs in each genre, but what they usually end up with is a mashup of all four
  • They don’t get too many chances to perform. Sometimes people at their school—even a senior once, which they all get really hyped about—want them to play at parties and stuff, but that’s somewhat rare. Once or twice they just go to their local park, set up on the stage there and just start playing for whoever happens to hear them
  • When they’re juniors, the band plays at their school’s senior prom, and they’re excited about showing everyone their original songs. They get a bunch of pop song requests instead, and really only enjoy playing at the after-party
  • Sometimes they write songs in foreign and/or dead languages because they don’t want everyone to know what they’re saying, or just to sound different; Robert teaches them a bunch of British swear words, and they use them in place of American ones when they’re playing around adults
  • They record an entire mixed-genre album at the end of their junior year. Since they live in California, Alan and Ian drive up to Hollywood and hand out copies of their album on the street, hoping to get discovered
  • Alan and Ellie have to keep careful watch over Robert and Ian after their performances, because both of them are known to get a little too enthusiastic about their female fans
  • They record one music video; it’s for their token anti-authoritarian song ‘Can’t Shut Me Off’. They try to make it as ‘edgy’ and ‘weird’ as possible, and it ends up being strange and confusing more than anything else. It includes footage of Ellie staring unblinkingly into the camera for a full minute and a half while Alan shoots his paintball gun in the background, Robert very calmly skinning a Furby and Ian enthusiastically taking a hammer to a brick that’s purportedly from their school building
  • After senior year, they all head off to college; Robert and Ian go to different schools and Ellie and Alan go to the same university. Ian goes to the University of Texas and meets Sarah
  • Soon after Ian and Sarah start dating in freshman year (after they get into a very heated argument about the Permian extinction on the first day of their evolutionary biology class), the two of them meet Nick at a protest rally and Eddie in an engineering class and all start hanging out; they find out that they all like rock music and someone brings up the idea of starting a band
  • Sarah, Ian and Nick are all really smart but really rebellious science students who already act like rock stars as it is. Eddie is a lot quieter and not very rebellious, but he’s just as smart as the other three and hangs out with them because they’re the only ones who ‘get’ him
  • Sarah sings, Ian plays guitar, Nick plays bass, Eddie plays drums
  • They decide to be a metal/rock band and have similar tastes in music, but they can’t agree on a name; they want one that’s dark and metal-y but also niche and scientific. Eddie wants to call it ‘Euthanasia Coaster’ (because he heard about it in his engineering classes) and Ian votes for ‘Field of Bullets’ (because of the extinction theory). They’re outvoted by Sarah and Nick, who both suggest ‘Throwing Red Paint’ (because they like doing just that at animal-rights protests)
  • They perform at a few student parties until the administration finds out about them, gets excited and arranges a campus-wide concert—but the people organizing it haven’t heard any of the band’s songs. They proceed to play loud, obscene rock songs and the administration immediately forbids them from playing in any more public spaces on campus. This makes them very, very popular among students, and the band starts playing at multiple parties and dorms every week
  • Sarah loves writing punk rock songs and basically wants to be Ann Wilson
  • Nick has to physically restrain Ian from dramatically smashing his guitar after every set, and Ian has to do the same to keep Nick from stage-diving
  • Their most popular songs include ‘Test Drive to Hell’ (by Eddie), ‘Guess Who I’m Dissecting (It’s Not a Frog)’ by Nick, ‘Charles Whitman’s Brain (Gonna Steal It)’ by Ian, and ‘I’m the ****** Hyena Queen’ by Sarah
  • After being really quiet and not really offering any suggestions for the better part of a year, Eddie writes a song that’s really good but really, really obscene and disturbing. The band loves it and gets excited to perform it, but they have to send someone out to do a perimeter check for nearby teachers before they can even practice it
  • Eventually they hire a “security team”, which consists only of Eddie’s long-suffering friend Roland

Thank you for reading my weirdness.